Text Message From the Delicatessen

Your bagel has been canceled
due to inclement weather
PLEASE DO NOT HIT REPLY

You've already been rescheduled
for the next available bagel:
TUESDAY
6:05 PM

We apologize for any inconvenience
and we've upgraded you to "onion"
at no additional charge.

Fate

My Daddy was a bagelman

way out in Idaho

My Momma worked the onion fields

in old New Mexico

They kissed in Loosiana

with the stars shinin' above

Raised a baker's dozen children

filled with hope, cream cheese and love

(Fluff®)

Bagels are brown, onions are yellow

cream cheese is soft, and so is Marshmallow

recipe

my mind is like an onion

so many layers to peel

my body's mostly water

so it shouldn't really feel

my soul is just like flour

always something to sift through

but my heart is like a bagel

with a hole in it for you

oh, yeasty temptress

damn, bagel

you are lookin

hot

tonite

i like your bumps

—your lovely

onion

lumps—

and that hole of yours

is givin

me

ideas

Haiku #1

A note on toppings:

Cream cheese is acceptable.

End of discussion.

sugarplums, schmugarplums

the only visions
i want dancing in my head
are
round
doughy
onion flavored
and jewish

happy holidays
everybody

murder at 425º –or– what's barry mcguire gonna' eat for breakfast now?

watch out, woman
cause there's a burning inside-a me
there's a fire down deep
and it's create-n a heat
that you ain't gonna wan-na see no part of

look out, brotha
cause my temperature's outta control
my wiring's all shot
and i'm toast-n too hot
and i ain't got no problem with burnt onions

cool it, barry
cause destruction is what i know most
my blood's so mad
it feels like incinerate-n
and your bagel's about-ta be toast

"i think you love that onion bagel more than you love me"

but

baby

my darling

love of my life

the girl of my dreams

precious little flower

adorable beloved

future mother of my children

the sweetest truest gift there could be

...what did you think was going to happen?

True Story

I

once saw

a baker

toss an onion

in water

boiling

hot.

On

closer

inspection,

it was covered

with tiny

bagels

!!!

"He,"

said I

to no one

but God, "is a

genius.

Also,

he's

dyslexic."

tell 'em jimmy the elf sent you

if your tire runs flat

and you haven't a spare

and also you're a magical forest creature

try using a bagel

with tread made of onions

i know a guy who could get you quite a deal

Everything

seems oh so overwhelming

Nothing

feels a little too Plain

Seeds of all sorts

tend to bunch up my shorts

And Garlic

leaves a bad taste in my brain

Wheat

what a wasted opportunity

Salt

makes me thirsty as a flea

Cheese Ones are disquieting

(they make me feel like dieting)

And Egg

would revolt the bourgeoisie

Raisins

only serve to clog my toaster

Chocolate

will destroy you just like meth

Jalapenos, leave me be

For there's just one kind for me

Give me Onion

or give me a swift death!

reconstructing a sentence

"you sir, are an onion

on the

otherwise respectable

bagel

of society"

sneered the judge

as he gave me

ten to twenty

"thank you"

i replied

"i'm flattered"

Limerick #1

His feet were befouled with bunions

His breath stank quite stalely of Funyuns

But men all admired

And girls all desired

'Cause his bagels were covered in onions

regret

the first tear came from chopping onions

sure

but the ones that came next:

salty memories

long forgotten

straight from hell

or middle school

(she wasn't sure which)

part of her wished she hadn't remembered at all

next time

she'd make sesame bagels

instead

The Greatest Bagel Ever Boiled

It wasn't a perfect "O"

like you're thinking

more like an italicized "D"

And it wasn't all that fresh

mere hours from being stale

in fact

And the onion flakes stuck to its sides

were more than a little

gummy

But when the old man took a bite

he changed his mind

And didn't kill his wife

after all