Ain't

Dirty Sanchez

ain't so dirty

Cleveland Steamer

ain't so steamy

Until you do the

Onion Bagel

Your sex life

ain't so seamy

It's Party Time

It's okay if the sour cream has turned

or if the sautéed garlic got completely burned

Don't worry that the avocado's black

or that the roasted peppers liquified right in their sack

Who really cares if the cheese is mostly mold

or the center of the chicken breast is still a little cold

'Cause even the vilest, most revolting dip

tastes pretty damn good on an onion bagel chip

The Beginning

Ring that bagel 'round the moon!

Sprinkle the stars with onions!

Cut the comets with butter knives, and

Smother the cosmos in cream cheese!

Plug your toasters into the sun

And dial them up to Darkest!

We've got a world of work to do

So we really mustn't skip breakfast!

The Judgment

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust

When it's all settled then you must

Look back and ask Did I do well?

(Read: Will I go to heaven, or will I go to hell?)

Did I make the most of gifts I was given?

Did I show thanks for the life I was livin'?

Did I love my friends and my family too?

Did I even love people I hardly knew?

Did I make the most of every minute?

(Read: Were all my bagels ones with onion in it?)

In defense of food

Don't call my bagel fat

you foul-mouthed freak

It's soft 'cause it's not stale

It's fluffy 'cause yeast rises

It's round 'cause it's a ring

(Besides, it's just big-onioned)

Limerick #3

when i taste a rich bagel crust

whose onion topping is robust

the joy's so severe

that i truly do fear

my tongue might spontaneously combust

after a nap

stretch!

stretch!

you sleepy

bagel

kick your napkin

off

to the floor

touch the

dried onion

riverbed

running from

your ever-

yawning hole

greet your

reflection

in stainless steel

and wipe

that crust

from

your eyes

An Obviously Unjust Verdict

I warning you Judge, I'm gonna' appeal

'Cause these twelve aren't a jury of my peers

None of them are as good-looking as me

Their schooling pales next to my Ph.D.

Heads of state never ask for their advice

Party planners don't sculpt their busts in ice

Their 401Ks aren't fully vested

And they weren't just recently arrested

There's no way you can think this jury's like me still

'Specially since onion bagels don't drive them to kill

Dumb Love

You're my baby bagel baby

my bitty baby boo

My only one and onion baby

my flippy flappy floo

I love my cutie crusty crazy

cupie soupy stew

My huggy holey humpy habee

braggly smaggle poo

A Dramatic Observation of the Relationship Between Onion Bagel and Toaster–or–Beyond Bageldome

Two halves enter,

Two darker, crunchier halves leave.

speech on a sidewalk

hold on to your bag, lady

or you gonna lose it

cuz i think you's

in harm's way

this city moves fast and

those cars move faster

and your cart

with that bum wheel

ain't helping any

i see your mouth moving

it's talking to no one

and no body

is listening good

your temper goes quick
but your loved ones go quicker
til one day
you's all you
got left

hold on to your bagel, lady

cuz i think you hungry

and that's all the food

that you got

those onions smell stanky

but your breath smell stankier

and i won't always be

givin you

this advice

In search of a meal, in search of a meal

When our voyage beg-
un, young were we
filling our feed
bag all day, but now
on yon-der shores
we age, while
bay gulls peck hungrily
at our bones.

Haiku #5

a little known fact

all our greatest presidents

ate onion bagels

The Connoisseur

He holidays in bagel country

hits all the hottest spots

greets bakers on a first name basis

tastings are complimentary

He holds poppies to the light

muses about maturity

swirls sesames with expert deft

deciphers intricate bouquets

He chews blueberries reflectively

spits them out like the others

but when they offer him onions

he swallows, then goes back for seconds

Religious Intolerance

The day Monsignor switched

the Eucharist

out for mini onion Bagel Bites®

Was the day

they sent him 

to another parish

And a dark day

for the Church

indeed

Alma Bagel

This bagel before me

Is onion through and through

I'll always adore thee

And to thy hole be true

Your onions gleam golden

You're toasty to the touch

I'll never behold one

I want to eat this much

I'll never behold one

I long to love so much

Rebirth of Bagel Boy

Don't call me Bagel Boy, cried Bagel Boy to me

A request no self-respecting, self-conscious tween could heed

So we filled up his gym locker with sesame seeds

And we covered his textbooks with Neufchatel Cheese

Then we prank called his house and said Is your fridge running?

Since at that point we'd run out of bagel-themed ideas

Unlike us, however, this kid was quite cunning

'Cause he came one schoolday dressed just like an onion

And we didn't know what, but knew he was up to something

So we left him alone, too scared to make fun of him

question for the fda

voodoo bagels

high upon the shelf

infinite power

in your endless loops

when sliced

others are cut

when toasted

another is burned

when eaten

someone else's breath smells like onion

how can you be legal

anyway?

Let's Talk About Heroes

Let's talk about Heroes

and all the exciting events from last night's episode

Let's really get into it

raising our voices

and gesturing with our arms for emphasis

Let's review all the powers

that each of them has

and think about which ones we'd like

although we'll be enthusiastic about it

our decisions will be grounded in logic

Let's mention the Asian guy

and the cheerleader

and the one who's going to be in that movie

and the one that can fly

(one of them can fly, right?)

Let's talk about how

I've never really seen the show

so I've got a lot of catching up to do

Let's have green tea

and onion bagels

for hours on end

while you tell me all the things that I've missed

the disappearing light of day

i sat with a bagel

yesterday

and let it teach me

all it knew

every curve

held a lesson

each bit of onion

contained a truth

the top showed me things

the bottom could not

yet the bottom

shared a wiser view

today

i discovered

these teachings were lost

perhaps they were

only a dream

in sadness

and silence

and solitude

i ate it

but honestly, it ate me too

The Golden One

My father always told me "Onion bagels grow on trees"

And so I spent my school-age years amassing expertise

So I could scour the continents and sail the seven seas

Searching for the only plant that would my soul appease

As time elapsed the hope I had was pushed aside by doubt

For I'd found nothing even though I'd traveled all about

And so I grabbed my father and irately I did shout

He said "I meant to say they don't – did I leave that word out?"

O

is for onion

the bagel i like most

 N is for not ever equating it

to toast – that would be insanity,

which is what the I is for, and if you try to

say it's not, i'll just come   bust down your door

and i'll wear a mask,             and i'll carry an axe 

and a can of gas and              a bunch of matches

and you'll be all like,          oh god, no! which in

case you didn't get it       is what the second O

is for, but i won't even hear your pleas,

cause i'll be busy creaming cheese

once you get a taste of these,

you'll Never make that

error again

Digging a Tunnel

I'm digging a tunnel

From my heart to yours

To carve out this pathway

I'm fighting on all fours

Reminds me of digging

That I did once before

Through an onion bagel

Inside the grocery store

I tore out one section

Just to get it started

Then dug with my finger

Until the insides parted

Before long I had a

Hollow bagel in my cart

Too bad it's much tougher

For me to win your heart

Confession

I'm a churchgoing bagel, Heaven is my goal

I'm a God-fearing bagel, only He can save my soul

I'm a tolerating bagel, I won't judge a jelly roll

I'm a virtue-laden bagel, which is something to extol

Yet I'm a weak-willed bagel when the Devil takes control

and I can't stop inserting objects in my onion hole

first, the bad news:

the dealer's corpse was rotting at a quite alarming rate

i couldn't get the bags of blow to all fit in their crate

on accident i handcuffed my own ankle to the grate

and my partner in a panic crashed our car right out the gate

the fire from the hill was now engulfing the estate

and the sirens in the distance signaled our impending date

i didn't have much choice but to accept my destined fate

so i grabbed an onion bagel, said a prayer of thanks and ate

Bagelicious

Humpty Hump sang about biscuits

Junkyard Dog grabbed all them cakes

Juvenile was crass

(he just said dat ass)

and Wreckx-n-Effect liked rump shakes

Sisqo was partial to dump trucks

Sir Mix-a-Lot needed back

but what you display girl

is an onion bagel

those other guys' rhymes are all wack

Sonnet III

When I was schooling in halls so hallow,

my pale young body was softer than now,

Name-calling bullies taunted Moo! and Cow!

comments I took to be somewhat shallow

I'd lie awake by the flick'ring tallow,

years of frustration furrowing my brow,

wanting to break free—yet not knowing how—

from flesh that felt like spongy marshmallow

These days such mem'ries seem irrelevant,

my current physique is sculpted from oak

But though I am strong as an elephant,

a soft onion bagel still can evoke

pain that propels me down on hell's descent—

to my old body, the butt of a joke

a bitter bagel to swallow

i wished sincerely

but i fell beneath the stars

i fought for freedom

but i wound up behind bars

i loved completely

but i never was loved back

i planted flowers

but the petals all turned black

i welcomed warmly

but they kicked me to the cold

i cheered the youth on

but they told me i was old

i steered steadfastly

but it only made me carsick

i ordered onion

but i ended up with garlic