do not disturb

last night i dreamt i took a stroll

among the onion flowers

the fragrant bulbs surrounded me

i walked and walked for hours

and when i stooped to touch the ground

i found instead of soil

a mix of salt and yeast and flour

with just a touch of oil

the setting sun burned fast and bright

sizzling the earth

and i slept soft on bagel beds

until the dawn's rebirth

good morning

it is a circle

it is an O

it is the look of

O GOD O NO

O PLEASE O PLEASE

it is horror

it is terror

it is a scream

it is a silent scream

it is an onion flavored silent scream

it is unable to save you

Please Don't Call The ASPCA

I think your dog is drunk

Did somebody feed it beer?

It's lookin' all glassy-eyed

And lecherous

Like it'd wanna hump my leg

If it had more energy

That dog's stumbling in circles

And barking at the toilet

And forgetting to life its leg

When it pees

Pass me another onion bagel

'Cause this is pretty fun to watch

clarity

through the clear plastic bag,

he watched the sun setting

on the day, and the life that he knew

through the clear plastic bag,

he saw his own breath

condense like a fresh morning dew

through the clear plastic bag,

he gasped and he clawed

and thought that his lungs would just melt

through the clear plastic bag,

he knew oh so clearly

exactly how onion bagels felt

aargh

enough with the talking animals already

or plots about world war II

and i got the picture long ago

that teenage boys try real hard to get laid

robots are generally difficult to kill

but that doesn't mean i want to watch someone try

and i couldn't care less if some lovelorn baker chick

captures her emotions inside onion bagels

so hollywood, if you're listening

is it really so hard to understand

that i only want to see movies about pirates

(or at least people with hooks for hands)?

too little, too late

i'm drowning in the ocean
not a life raft in sight
this little toaster waffle
won't keep me upright

i'm fighting through the currents
in search of a buoy
that itty bitty muffin top
doesn't float things worth hooey

i'm flailing in the water
someone toss me a ring!
your tiny onion bagel
couldn't rescue anything

how this poison i'm about to inject you with will quickly and painfully kill you

within seconds,

it attacks

your respiration,

shriveling your lungs

like dried

onion flakes

soon your heart

will feel

squeezed in

a bagel hole,

a tortuous struggle

with every pump

finally your brain

will begin to melt,

mixing

and mushing

'til it turns to

cream cheese

...

excuse me one moment

i must

go fix breakfast

(why do i

even try this

before eating?)

tour

the quarantined soldier

sits in his hole

warm water in a dirty cup

salty drip dangling from his brow

tan and brown forces

rising all around him

he stares at the onion sliver moon

and waits

encounters

this is important:

the water must be warm

the yeast must be dry

the dough must rise for about an hour

this means something:

i call but no answer

i wait for the tone

i try again in thirty minutes

this is important:

the salt must be kosher

the onions must be toasted

the rings must rise again, half as long as before

this means something:

you say you're not home

your car's in your driveway

your silhouette's in your window, dancing

this is important:

the water must be sugared

the sheet must be greased

the oven must be preheated to 400 degrees

this means something:

the fire alarms blare

the ambulance arrives late

the police say it was all an accident

This is how it ends

Put that bagel in a body bag

Its dough is dead and done for

Its codgered old crust is uncuttable

Its onions are offensively odorous

So dig it a grave, bury it, and beat it

(As soon as you leave, I'm still gonna eat it)

STAT!

Doctor! Doctor! You gotta help me!

My levels are dropping dangerously!

Don't look in my ear or knock on my knee!

Just gimme an onion bagel I.V.!

your test results are in

the hospital facilities

are all state of the art,

with sections for diseases

of the lungs, skin, brain and heart

yet doctors aren't the only ones

who meet such strict criteria,

the bar's set just as high down

at the campus cafeteria

the freshest fruits and veggies

are brought in every day,

and pastas, meats and cheeses

form a dazzling buffet

but probably the choicest part

would be the bagel station,

with every flavor known to man

of ringéd dough temptation

plain, egg, garlic, sesame,

blueberry, everything

and countless others kneel before

the mighty onion king

if you don't want to taste all that

or at least give just one lick,

then turn around and see a nurse

'cause you are truly sick

family feast

heading down to the delicatessen

i learned a valuable mathematics lesson

eight siblings, two parents and one cousin

looks like we'll need an even dozen

but if i subtract my family tree,

there's twelve onion bagels all for me

Haiku #7

Top-to-bottom cut —

Good for onion treats to go,

Yet untoastable.

absolutely fab

standing proudly

atop the rocky crag

bronze skin shimmering

beneath the glowing sun

shirt unbuttoned

far too far for comfort

and long blonde locks

flowing freely in the wind

you are half man

half onion bagel

the love spawn of fabio

and a particularly attractive

wad of dough

you grace the covers

of calendars and cookbooks

everywhere

bringing women and foodies

to tears

and to their knees

Affirmation

Whenever you feel down and out
Like your yeast will never rise,
And day-old plains with warm cream cheese
Are all your money buys

Remember that the world spins round
Like a perfectly shaped ring,
And the onion bagel inside of you
Means you can do anything

Scent by Numbers

At mile marker 98
just past Route 42
I like to put the windows down
and let fresh air blow through

First I pass the rows of corn
tall and green like trees
Their smell, though nice, sticks in my teeth
so I give them a "3"

Next up is the berry patch
a sweet and fragrant heaven
But too much sugar rots my nose
still they get a "7"

Finally the onion fields
come up around the bend
Their pungent, piercing, bold bouquet
earns them a perfect "10"

I breathe in deep and scrunch my nose
just like Robert DeNiro
Until I pass the cattle ranch —
with its stinky, bagel "Zero"

nice try buddy but you ain't foolin nobody

getta loada dis guy

hay getta loada him

hethinks he's areal bright guy

but isay he's real dim

hetalks likehe's a tough guy

but iknow he's justbluffin

insteada onion bagels

he atean english muffin

About My Bagel

My bagel's so fresh, like a young baby foal

My bagel's so wild, onions out of control

My bagel's so smooth, it should be in a bowl

My bagel's so rich, it could charge you a toll

My bagel's so driven, it can reach any goal

My bagel's so sexy, it's got a crust mole

My bagel's so toasty, it's blacker than coal

My bagel's so hot, it should stop drop and roll

The Blunder

I bought a buttered bagel

from the baker in my building,

But when I bit that breaded band

it tasted bland and boring

Betting that the baker boiled

a bad batch of his batter,

I barked across the bar that

my bite should have been made better

I'd barely blurted this behest

when back came blistering blame:

This bunch was baked with onion bulbs,

but you bought one marked "Plain"

Sonnet V

As I've grown ever fatter through the years,

My weight has been unevenly dispersed;

It seems the region just below my ears

Is where the cellulite has gathered worst.

What started as an extra chin at first

Has uncontrollably begun to bloat;

It looks like a balloon's about to burst

Beneath the skin that wraps around my throat.

But this analogy I can't promote,

For there's another much more apropos,

Involving wheat and salt and yeast and oat,

With onion-looking stubble topping dough.

So let us just be honest for a sec,

And call it what it is: a Bagel Neck.

The Mother of All Bagel Poems – or – Who's in the Mood for Brunch?

O, Onion Bagel

I honor you this day

For you feed me

You nourish me

You give me life from yours

You carry me through my mornings

And deliver me to each new-born day

You are wholesome

Tender

Warm

And true

So thank you, Dear Bagel

I will always love you

A Simple Request

I'm fine if I'm allergic
To cats or dogs or hay
Or if pollen tends to make my nose all runny
If my tongue starts to swell
From fish that's in a shell
I'll just get used to talking kind of funny

I wouldn't mind if I could die
From just a trace of peanut
Or if I had to live in fear of bees
But please God keep from me
The dreaded allergy
Of fresh baked onion bagel halves and cream cheese

The Name of the Game is Bagel Pong – or – Can I Get a Re-rack?

Twelve onion bagels

Two balls

And all the cream cheese you can swallow

A Glorious Reunion

Our faces press together like two halves of the same bagel
rejoined at long last
Nose to cheek to chin to brow
Every bump finding a place to nestle every contour
meeting its mirrored mate
Mouth to mouth to lips
forming that all-important hole
So soft so seamless so perfectly aligned that if Jesus Christ Himself
had been born the Son of a baker instead of a carpenter He still
could not have shaped it better
It is the sweet smell of dough it is the tart taste of onion

It is the red glow of burning coils
and fireworks

I believe our two halves must have been covered in cream cheese ‘cause
I couldn’t pry myself away from you if I tried

Big Ol' Bagel

i want a big ol' bagel

at breakfast time

snag a big ol' bagel

from the five and dime

grab a big ol' bagel

onions and cream cheese

toast that big ol' bagel

if you don't mind please

bag my big ol' bagel

takin' it to go

'cause this big ol' bagel

is the best i know

Time

I always would long for more time

and for more cream cheese as well

until one day when I got both

and my life went straight to hell

I thought long days would be fruitful

but they're just lonely instead

and I can't taste any onion

under all this extra spread

of passion

far behind the yellow tape

(where prying lenses can't see)

a toppled dresser

a shattered mirror

latex gloves abound

pointing and

putting things in tiny plastic bags:

onion slivers

napkin fibers

someone says a knife is missing

but judging from

the pool of crumbs

the cream cheese splatter on the wall —

it certainly wasn't missing

earlier

voyage

rowing my trusty onion skin
across the bagel sea
serrated oars slice silently
through creamy swells
chop
chop
chop
though arms grow weary
i forge ahead
my love lies waiting
on yonder shore
and no crumby surf

no red hot coil of sun

no dark and bottomless whirl

amidst this vast unforgiving pool

shall keep me away

from her

wedding day

bagel took this onion
onion took this bagel
and everyone their peace forever held

we danced the macarena
and havad the nagila
and counted ourselves blessed that they'd been jelled

Testament

In the beginning

There was toast

And we looked

And we saw that it was okay

Grain begat flour

Seed begat onion

These begat dough

Which then formed a ring

We baked it

We broke it

We ate it

In remembrance of then

And in thanks of how far we'd come