Sonnet IV

I peered inside an onion bagel hole

To see what was in there for me to spy

But wound up staring straight into my soul

And learned that my whole life had been a lie

For though I showed the world I was a roll

Complete and filled with substance far and nigh

Beneath the surface I lacked all control

And if you had a keen discerning eye

You'd see that I could never reach my goal

And sadly that no matter how I try

A hollowness as fierce and black as coal

Would surely burn inside me 'til I die

Although this left me shattered and destroyed 

I shrugged and kept on falling through the void

Observing the Slow-Motion Fall of a Bagel Into a Pool of Milk

rotating, arcing

against a void, a blankness

a wall

its shiny skin

reflecting light

from a bulb

bending it, turning it

now it is soft

now it is still soft

and now

it is harsher

that bulb must be

a thousand watts

of hot

white

white

and now it is gone

and the light brown circle

now oval

now circle again

is about

to reach

the surface

it is a circle

it is an oval

and we hold

our breath

in anticipation

splash!

curving walls

of white

snake up

snake down

the ring

tosses

tilts

and tosses

some more

but now

it rests

it floats

and a thousand tiny ripples

run out from it

run away from it

they run

until they are gone

forever

like so many

onion-soaked

dreams

we once had

Drinkin' Song

I woke up this morning with me head achin' split,

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

From drinkin' two too many whiskeys last nit',

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

The light from the window was awfully brigh',

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

And it hurt worse me head when I squint shut me eye,

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

So I went to the bathroom where me aspirin are kempt,

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

When I turned o'er the bottle it was completely empt',

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

So I stumbled out the room and to the stairwell,

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

But me hand missed the railing and downward I fell,

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

End over end I tumbled toward the floor,

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

Then me poor poundin' head smashed through the kitchen door,

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

Onto the linoleum I did flop,

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

When I heard the toaster above me go pop,

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

And across the sky flew some things that weren't toast,

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

But two pipin' hot halves of the food I love most,

     Oh bagel-ee, oh bagel-ah, oh bagel-i-o

End over end they dropped right in me mou',

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

And wouldn't you know me head feels better now!

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

Limerick #5

There once was a lassie from Galway

who rolled onion bagels down the hallway

Although she was purty

she got my rolls dirty

Which turned my poor stomach in no small way

The Spice

Into each bagel some onions must fall

But that doesn't mean you should fear them at all

Although they seem bitter they're really quite small

Besides — life without them would be plainly dull

storm

i drove my auto through the night

one blustery winter's eve

the gusts gave press with all their might

i scarcely could believe

just when my arms were near to break

from tugging on the wheel

i spied a falling white snowflake

(at least i did so feel)

but as it neared the roadway shale

that dot grew much in size

and turned into a stone of hail

before my very eyes

i tried to swerve and miss its path

but it could not be done

it struck my hood with such a wrath

the shot rang like a gun

i stopped the car and out i went

needing to look twice

at the big, bashed bagel-shaped dent

and onion-sized ball of ice

hotel, motel, onion bagel inn

stopped

by

several

B&Bs

...

sadly

"B" never

stood for

"bagel"

...

such

b.s.

Limerick #4

I wedded a wee farmer's daughter

and felt so fortuned that I caught 'er

when she stuck out her finger

I mistook her ringer

for an onion-baked bagel I bought 'er

Follow-up to Haiku #1 (Haiku #6)

Spiced English Mustard

Tasty and thought-provoking:

Did I judge too quick?

The God's Honest Truth

'Twas yesterday I kissed the stone

high upon the tower

And though I could not have been gone

e'en more than an hour

Its wond'rous spirit did come down

filling me with power

To charm the skin off an onion

and sell a bag'l flour

warnin

me bagel is watched by me trusty guard donkey
he's woolly and watchful and if ye hear im honkey
ye best turn afoot and git outta dis place
or eel frighten the onions right offa ye face!

City Bagel vs. Country Bagel

In the city, crusts get hardened
you can't grow onions without a garden

But in the country, you'll find rest
the fires are toasty and the cream cheese fresh

A Less-Than-Famous Love Letter From Kilmainham Gaol

Molly, oh Molly, I've been a damned fool
an utterly mad imbecile
I've left you unmarried, unloved and alone
while on onion bagels I'd fill

But now that I've said it, it seems not insane
in fact I feel it's well thought through
For bagels awaken a new love each day —
unchained and unfettered by you

lazy

lazy little bagel
afloat along the river
barely bobbing
so slowly spinning
content to be carried,
noticed by no one
but for the fishes
who wonder in its wake,
"what tastes like onion
over here?"

Green Onion Bagel (VII)

Although
Often
Eaten by
O'Somethinged
Americans
Once
Every
Annum,

You never
Actually see them
Offered
In Ireland.

Jet-Lagged Bagels

Stiff crusts
Bleary onioned
Puffy bags beneath their holes

Trying to serve themselves for dinner

Bagel on the Train Track

There's a bagel on the train track
ever'body get back
It's a-comin' up fast
how we gonna' get past?
If it's mighty hard n' stale
it'll knock us off the rail
But if it's flavored onion
to hit it is the real sin

Belly Bomber –or– What are Fred Schneider, Cindy Wilson and Kate Pierson Gonna' Eat for Breakfast Now?

I ate me a bagel
was as big as a house
and it's heading on down
my digestive tract

I had me a bagel
coulda' fed about twenty
but I ate it all
and now my burps taste oniony

Flight

Bagel flying through the air,

what is it that put you there?

Do magic onions make you soar,

or are you just a metaphor?

spring cleaning

if

you find

a bagel

while

you are

vacuuming

the couch cushions

please

do not

shed a tear

but

if it

is onion,

shed several.

a love poem of sorts

i need to know

how is it so

that rings of dough

make my blood flow

for i can't see

how it could be

that it's just me

whose heart's so free

to heed that call

in lust i fall

and then we ball

onions and all

Ma Bagel

Ma Bagel used to run this town
and everybody in it
She held the House Reps in Her palm
and puppeteered the Senate

Unchecked Her business crushed the hopes

of each entrepreneur

If you craved onions, wheats or plains

you had to go through Her

Her reach was omnipresent

with prices nearing rape

She ruled all with a Doughy Fist

that no one could escape

When finally a lawsuit took

Her hands from the controls

The hungry people growled no more

"Ma has me by the holes!"

a tissue tirade –or– putting your nose where it doesn't belong

i take some real issues with soft facial tissues

being utilized as breakfast plates

they've many a feature that could make you reach your

wit's end in desperate straits

when hot from the toaster your food needs a coaster

to safeguard your palm's tender skin

but in this arena a tissue's no Xena

its armor's insufficiently thin

also on this topic it would be myopic

to think a mere Kleenex could guard

from getting quite ripped each time that it's gripped

too tight against an onion shard

and you've got a brain disease if you like your cream cheese

covered with fine tissue lint

and unless you like tallow eating crust smeared with aloe

is something you'll wish that you didn't

so throw that Scott's from your hand and yell Puffs you be damned

if you don't want your mouth to feel crapped in

for optimum flavor do your taste buds a favor

and please put your bagel on a napkin

one sunday

undaunted by the coming rain,
the townfolk threw a party —
whipped dairy toppings for the kids
and smoked fish for the hearty
men who raised the church
and gave their tithes to heaven —
all hearts puffed full like onion bagels,
fermented with leaven

Room Service

I drank too many alcohols
To keep my thoughts in order
So when he brought my breakfast
I lambasted the porter

And said he was a commie
That his wife looked just like Stalin
And then I threw some bottles
Which made him put a call in

To the mens in charge
Who were quite large
And they gave me sneers
While I pounded beers
But I didn't care
And I let them stare
I kicked up my feet
But when I went to eat

The tray was filled with bagels
Yet when I sorted through that junk
Not a one of thems was onion
And I knew I'd ordered drunk

leadership is important

i know you're married
but so am i

and when your bagels pop you know
we'll both know that it's time

so don't you worry
'cause i won't press

and when you say let's wait
you know i'll sit my onion on its shelf

and soon our spouses join in
'cause the union means we're all in

and any effing forcefeeders
are totally like stalin

wichita, ks

i remember when this was just meadows
not a condo or strip mall in sight
just a colorful flash of birds' feathers
and the flit of a young child's kite

but change fluttered in with the winter wind
and onion seeds came along too
before i had reached my childhood's end
fragrant bulbs frequently grew

these days the smell from the flour mill
brings the answer to every boy's prayer
when crossing the field with your kite in tow
the bagels, sweet bagels are everywhere

Working in the Toast Mine

My onion bagel

worked overtime this morning

It gets

cream cheese and a half for it

But it always

makes it totally burned out

you're lucky you're so oniony

bad bagel!

bad bad bad!

you are a very bad

bad bad bagel!

bad bagel!

bad!

...

oh

who am i kidding?

i can't stay

mad

at you

The Bagelor

First he picked the Sesame

but when he sent the Other away,

The rivers pouring from his eyes

his true feelings did betray

The memories of departed love

were not ones he could shake,

So when he had a second chance

he said this was a mistake

He broke the fresh-baked Bagel heart

of the first one that he chose,

Then wisely offered his Onion love

the last and final rose

don't you on the other hand me

there are two sides

to every story

just like

there are two halves

to every onion bagel

unless you don't

cut it in half

which is

a weird thing

to do

to a perfectly good story

anyways