Your bagel has been canceled
due to inclement weather
PLEASE DO NOT HIT REPLY
You've already been rescheduled
for the next available bagel:
TUESDAY
6:05 PM
We apologize for any inconvenience
and we've upgraded you to "onion"
at no additional charge.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Fate
My Daddy was a bagelman
way out in Idaho
My Momma worked the onion fields
in old New Mexico
They kissed in Loosiana
with the stars shinin' above
Raised a baker's dozen children
filled with hope, cream cheese and love
Monday, December 29, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
recipe
my mind is like an onion
so many layers to peel
my body's mostly water
so it shouldn't really feel
my soul is just like flour
always something to sift through
but my heart is like a bagel
with a hole in it for you
Saturday, December 27, 2008
oh, yeasty temptress
damn, bagel
you are lookin
hot
tonite
i like your bumps
—your lovely
onion
lumps—
and that hole of yours
is givin
me
ideas
Friday, December 26, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
sugarplums, schmugarplums
the only visions
i want dancing in my head
are
round
doughy
onion flavored
and jewish
happy holidays
everybody
i want dancing in my head
are
round
doughy
onion flavored
and jewish
happy holidays
everybody
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
murder at 425º –or– what's barry mcguire gonna' eat for breakfast now?
watch out, woman
cause there's a burning inside-a me
there's a fire down deep
and it's create-n a heat
that you ain't gonna wan-na see no part of
look out, brotha
cause my temperature's outta control
my wiring's all shot
and i'm toast-n too hot
and i ain't got no problem with burnt onions
cool it, barry
cause destruction is what i know most
my blood's so mad
it feels like incinerate-n
and your bagel's about-ta be toast
cause there's a burning inside-a me
there's a fire down deep
and it's create-n a heat
that you ain't gonna wan-na see no part of
look out, brotha
cause my temperature's outta control
my wiring's all shot
and i'm toast-n too hot
and i ain't got no problem with burnt onions
cool it, barry
cause destruction is what i know most
my blood's so mad
it feels like incinerate-n
and your bagel's about-ta be toast
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
"i think you love that onion bagel more than you love me"
but
baby
my darling
love of my life
the girl of my dreams
precious little flower
adorable beloved
future mother of my children
the sweetest truest gift there could be
...what did you think was going to happen?
Monday, December 22, 2008
True Story
I
once saw
a baker
toss an onion
in water
boiling
hot.
On
closer
inspection,
it was covered
with tiny
bagels
!!!
"He,"
said I
to no one
but God, "is a
genius.
Also,
he's
dyslexic."
Sunday, December 21, 2008
tell 'em jimmy the elf sent you
if your tire runs flat
and you haven't a spare
and also you're a magical forest creature
try using a bagel
with tread made of onions
i know a guy who could get you quite a deal
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Everything
seems oh so overwhelming
Nothing
feels a little too Plain
Seeds of all sorts
tend to bunch up my shorts
And Garlic
leaves a bad taste in my brain
Wheat
what a wasted opportunity
Salt
makes me thirsty as a flea
Cheese Ones are disquieting
(they make me feel like dieting)
And Egg
would revolt the bourgeoisie
Raisins
only serve to clog my toaster
Chocolate
will destroy you just like meth
Jalapenos, leave me be
For there's just one kind for me
Give me Onion
or give me a swift death!
Friday, December 19, 2008
reconstructing a sentence
"you sir, are an onion
on the
otherwise respectable
bagel
of society"
sneered the judge
as he gave me
ten to twenty
"thank you"
i replied
"i'm flattered"
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Limerick #1
His feet were befouled with bunions
His breath stank quite stalely of Funyuns
But men all admired
And girls all desired
'Cause his bagels were covered in onions
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
regret
the first tear came from chopping onions
sure
but the ones that came next:
salty memories
long forgotten
straight from hell
or middle school
(she wasn't sure which)
part of her wished she hadn't remembered at all
next time
she'd make sesame bagels
instead
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
The Greatest Bagel Ever Boiled
It wasn't a perfect "O"
like you're thinking
more like an italicized "D"
And it wasn't all that fresh
mere hours from being stale
in fact
And the onion flakes stuck to its sides
were more than a little
gummy
But when the old man took a bite
he changed his mind
And didn't kill his wife
after all
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