third-degree turn

i dropped my bagel
like it was hot
because it was hot
and my fingers were burning terribly

digits in mouth
pain soon became joy:
the scalded skin

tasted quite a bit like onion

Dude with a neck Band-Aid

hey Dude

what's shakin

and why is there a Band-Aid

on your neck?

odd place for a Band-Aid

if you ask me

seein as i've

never needed one there before

did Somebody

with a bread knife

mistake your neck for a bagel

or somethin?

i'm just glad that bagels

don't have

Jugular Veins

blood and onion don't mix

single serving cream cheese container

you know you got it goin' on
everything i want
and need in one
conveniently pocketable package

i long to touch you
to feel your cool against my warm
fingertips taking hold
lifting lustfully on your waiting lid

and now it is time to spread
my blade begins
you are smooth
and you are generous but only at first

for midway through my onion bagel's
second half you empty
leaving me — and the promise you made —
forever unfulfilled

time to celebrate

hit the rock
now boom! let’s blow it up
then pump your fist in circles
and bark just like a pup

raise the roof
a chest bump in midair!
let’s wave our limbs around
as if we just don’t care

kick your heels
spirit fingers full of pride
now line up all our friends
for the electric slide!

silent cheer!
gimme five! no gimme ten!
we’re having onion bagels
for our breakfast again!

row 32

tiny stewardess
slinking down the aisle
active little hands
serving snack after snack after snack

you smile, share a laugh
shuffle through your shelves
so long at each row!
so many more to go
if you’re out
of onion bagels
when you reach my seat
i'm bringing down this goddamned airplane
so help me jesus

stone sober logic

i woke in bagel puke again
familiar onion sludge
but i had zero drinks last night
so don't be quick to judge

i think i must be suffering
from some foodborne disease
'cause whiskeys tend not to expire
but sometimes does cream cheese

(they're the ones with goatees)

almost every onion bagel

that i've eaten

has been Good

but one or two of them

have been Evil

time, cruel and heartless, what is it that you have done with my child?

my bagel used to be clean cut

he'd do as he was told

but since he started growing up

he's gotten rather bold

he hangs out with these seedy types

and does distasteful things

like smoking back behind the school

and blowing onion rings

the girls he sees all have pierced holes

and smell distinctly stale

they look like they belong in some

two-week-old baked goods sale

he skipped his prom and passed out at

an all-night toaster rave

and came home sporting sideburns —

that's just no way to behave!

Schmear or no Schmear

That bagel's got a soul patch!

It's got so much soul!

That bagel's got an earring

Stuck right through its hole!

That bagel's got a game show

That prizes are won on!

That bagel's got a briefcase!

It's chock full of onion!

just the lip

mustachioed bagel

you are a rare old onion indeed

always ready

to attend a bachelor party

or investigate crimes in hawai'i

or be eaten by someone

not afraid

of a little hair in his food

growth

my onion bagel grew a beard

and ever since when i have smeared

cream cheese upon it i have feared

my butter knife would leave it sheared

(i bet its hairs would taste real weird)

a valuable non-lesson

i heard that if
you cannot learn
from your past experience

you'll have no choice
and will be doomed
forever to repeat it

so though i'm quite
intelligent
about the onion bagel

i'm careful not
to ever be
taught a thing while eating one

i am a genius (a lazy, lazy genius)

a 45-degree angle

is all that separates

your average toaster

from an onion bagel

air mail machine

Either Way, I'm Pro-Onion

When does a bagel start to be?

is one of life's great mysteries

Is dough the only needed thing?

or does it have to be a ring?

Will boiling it a bagel make?

or must it have begun to bake?

Though we may never solve this question

we know that they end with digestion

Don't Do This (II)

I counted my onion bagels before they boiled

1 bagel, 2 bagel, 3 bagel, 4 (!)

One fell on the ground and got totally soiled

1 bagel, 2 bagel, 3 (and no more)

My tongue-wagging dog soaked another in slobber

1 bagel, 2 bagel (oh how depressin')

Then the last two got snatched by a breakfast food robber

0 bagels left (but I learned a good lesson!)

Don't Do This (I)

I put all my bagels in one basket

Then scrambled them up just like eggs

Straight to the top, only onions did pop

So I gave them all some more shakes

And once I was sure they were shuffled

(On this fact I knew I could swear)

I looked at the bin — all onions again!

The shock knocked me right to the floor

But during my drop it so happened

I bumped the basket off the range

And as they did fall, onions one and all

They knocked something right in my brain

For though all my efforts at mixing

Intended to diversify them

I guess I forgot, all I ever bought

Were bagels with onions inside them!

the struggle

quite often when i've ate my din

the folks i know won't say hello

though i nod and wave they act like they've

never seen my face and away they race

leaving me alone to cry and moan

what could it be that makes them flee?

yet deep down i know with each burp i blow

that my bagel breath sickens them to death

yes my love of onion has me shunned and

all this scorn leaves me somewhat torn

should i change my flavor to gain their favor —

or enjoy my food in solitude?

Temper Tantrum

I WANT A BAGEL!

BAGEL! BAGEL! BAGEL!

GIMMEABAGEL!

GIMMMEEAABAAGELLL!

NOWWWW!

OWWWW!

WOWW!

AOW!

AH!

WAH!

NAAA!

BAAAY—

oh thank you, you shouldn't have, onion? my favorite!

Bagel-Shaped Scar

it's right there

on her arm

says she won't

discuss it

but when she

smells onions

or hears a

toaster pop

the twitch in

her eyelid

tells me some-

day she might

A Bitter Split

Although once inseparable,
things mightily changed
when the bottom smelled
suspiciously of onions

Top left the bread box
moved back with its folks

The crumbs are the ones
really suffering

Didn't They Make a Movie About This?

When the stuntmouse jumped

his moped over

two dozen freshly baked bagels,

We had to admit

that if nothing else,

he had a big pair of onions.

10

not the silly car i drove

or the goofy hair i had

not the food we didn't eat

or the movie that was bad

not the single-gendered dorm

with girls passing in the hall

not the rectress around the corner

watching one and all

not even the smell of onion bagels

from the garbage bin

could keep our lips from touching

once our romance did begin

Fat Man on a Bench

that shirt

probably fit him

once

but not today

the cool breeze

slapping through the treetops

says hello

to his bare, bulbous belly

(but there is no answer)

he is busy

eating

a polish sausage

these sounds

with every bite:

labored breaths through

narrow nasal passages,

wax paper crinkling

beneath pudgy fingertips,

wings fluttering

as attentive pigeons

jockey for position

(should some small morsel fall)

and then one does

the slippery slice

of onion

slides off his sausage,

and

drops

straight

onto

his

stomach

this, he notices

and as quickly as it fell,

he scoops it up

slurps it down

and catches me staring at him

his revenge is swift:

two hands encircle

his shiny, oil-stained navel,

one quick shake

in my direction

and he returns

to his meal

he's shown me

his belly bagel

and deep down,

i know i deserve it

The Bagel of Love

My love for you's a circle

a never-ending ring

As soon as I complete it

I start circling again

Before long I get dizzy

and back and forth I sway

But still I keep on loving you

until I can't see straight

At some point I get spin-sick

start hacking up a lung

I black out then come to face down

in half-digested onion

Yet I know it's all worth it

for you're my favorite thing

I'll shower off then get right back

to loving you again

"Cream Cheese" Clarence, The Onion Bagel Pimp

Where's my money, Bagel?

Gotta' sell dat honey, Bagel

Better get my money, Bagel

Yo this ain't funny, Bagel

Go'n 'n make my money, Bagel

Or else my disposition is apt to become somewhat less than sunny, Bagel

Where's my money, Bagel?

great american works

framed paintings

up on the wall

hundreds like them

just down the hall

many sculptures

out on display

bronze, ivory,

marble and clay

bold photos

large and well-lit

thoughtful viewers

ponder and sit

but out in the lobby

on the food cart

a fresh onion bagel

— now that is art!

high rise

steaming stack

of onion bagels

towering toward

the sky

your scope

is stirring

your highness

is humbling

your aroma

arouses all

i think

you are quite

an erection

blogmaster #1!!!

my bagel blog is going strog

it gets mo hits than that sk8boarding dog

read my posts n yo mind will boggle

if u dont bleave me look it up on goggle

i brake da newz just like perez

and my bannrs earn lrge chedder chese

my bagel vids get wachted a ton n

like "mentos & plain" and "2 girls 1 onion"

ok im lyin nobuddy reads it

sideways sad face ctrl-alt-delede it

w/all this typos itll nvr get big

can i has sum sorta spell-check on this thig?

Beans

My baby is the beans to my burrito

the Cool Ranch seasoning to my Dorito

Her love's the hot sauce on my chicken wing

she always gets my gravy thickening

She's the Pez I want in my Dispenser

she knows how to put garlic in my mincer

My girl's the icing on my English tea cake

and the Whiz Wit' inside my Philly Cheesesteak

She's the sugar in my coffee and the honey in my tea

the Fruit that's in my Roll-Up and the Sun in my Capri

She's wasabi on my sushi and the corn around my cob

the super tasty Everlasting stopper to my Gob

As if this weren't already a fulfilling love buffet I'll

just throw in that my baby is the onion to my bagel

Intelligent Design

Though there are many bagels, with tons of tastes to savor,

I couldn't shake the feeling there must be a chosen flavor,

The doubters spoke up often, and said No You can't Never,

But still to find this favored taste became my life's endeavor,

My science was unfailing, my methods on the level,

They proved beyond suspicion that most bagels were the devil,

I counted and recounted, some seventy times seven,

And now it's plain to see that onion bagels come from heaven.