Green Onion Bagel (VI)

What

on Earth

did they put

in this bagel?

Scallions?

Green Onion Bagel (V)

Dude

I hope my eyes

are deceiving me

But

I think that bagel's

about to blow

Chunks

Green Onion Bagel (IV)

It snatched its

Sierra Club handbag

Hopped in its

hybrid two-door

And drove

the delicatessen's

recyclables

to the center

Green Onion Bagel (III)

I remember

that day that

I finally

heard the words

Grandson,

I believe

you are old enough

to help

Beaming

at the boiling

water below,

I imagined bragging

and boasting

the other boys

would be

so impressed

But when I

grabbed that

golden ring,

offered it for inspection

I only heard

No! Oh no!

That one isn't

ready yet

And I knew

neither was I

Green Onion Bagel (II)

Buried at the bottom

of the bin

it waits

watching

bagel after bagel

(after bagel)

chosen above,

clutched to chests,

cherished, chewed

loved

like it longs to be

and it wonders

What makes those guys

so goddamned special?

Green Onion Bagel (I)

It must've fallen

from the counter,

and rolled back

here only God

knows when

Breath bated,

I reach behind

the fridge

and bag it

Enlightening the World, One Bite at a Time

This bagel sitting before me,

is better than I'll ever be;

For I'm a statue, so lazy,

just watching refuse on TV;

Yet it smells sweet and oniony,

and offers up this guarantee:

"Bring to me all your hungry,

your twisted tummies too achy;

I lift my lamp for these to see

a tasty way to set thee free!"

The Onion, The Bagel, The Cream Cheese, and The Child Complaining of Hunger Pains

Maybe if you grease me,

I might grill better

Were you to toast me,

I might taste better

Perhaps if you stir me,

I might spread better

If only you would feed me,

I might finally be able to stop suffering from malnutrition

On Being Pungent

I've seen them staring

sideways and shifty

eyelids aflutter, thinking

I'd better be subtle

but it's too late

for the flare of their nostrils

betrays them

What is that smell?

they wonder and

their wandering eyes

inevitably fall

to me

I've seen d-i-s-g-u-s-t

written upon their faces

but I

can read

between the lines

I know

those looks

are not for me

but for their friends

for the others for

the public for

a-p-p-e-a-r-a-n-c-e-s

For when they draw

closed their

kitchen drapes

these puritanical politicians

these religiously righteous

refusers s-t-o-p

turning up their noses —

they come in close

breathe in deep

and taste

I've seen them do it

I've seen them all

An Easy Choice

encircling the Rock

making Paper crumby

Scissors gumming over

Onion Bagel bests all

Haiku #4

I've been noticing

top halves are onionier.

You take the bottom.

Praise Song for the Bagel, A Poem for Watching Barack Obama's Presidential Inauguration on TV

Each morning we go and do our business,

we flush and we jump in the shower

or not, drying and then dressing.

All inside us is hunger. All inside us is

pang and rumble, yearn and ache, we

long for something touching our tongues.

Someone is scrambling an egg, boiling

water for coffee, Popping a Tart,

heating the things that taste better hot.

A woman in a hairnet waits on tables.

A line cook examines the melting butter.

A hostess says Please. Let me seat you now.

Say it plain: that many have slaved over this meal.

Sing the names of those who brought it here,

who plowed the fields, planted the crops,

picked the onions and the wheat, kneaded

batch by batch the glorious dough

they would then roll into perfect little rings.

Praise song for the bakers, praise song for the meal.

Praise song for every boiled little bite,

the chewing-it-up at kitchen tables.

Some live by you are what you eat,

others by an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

But what if the mightiest food is bagels?

Praise song for getting something in our stomachs.

Old Habits

I was blackout drunk,

and I surely stunk

of sweat and dirt and vomit

when I went to that joint

up at Downer's Point,

hadn't been there since Halley's Comet.

But they knew me there

and they poured my share,

made it stiff as rigor mortis,

kept filling my cup

'til the sun came up,

and I rolled out like a tortoise.

Next thing I knew

I was coming to

in my ex- ex- ex-girlfriend's apartment,

the sun shone unbearable

my head pounded terrible

like a fire at the fire department.

Still I gasped out her name

when I witnessed her frame,

stale and lifeless on the floor by the sink,

my onions were mussed

with fresh blood on my crust

and I thought What's my AA group gonna' think?

concerning a union

this bagel

i know

good bagel

hardworking bagel

little on the onion-y side

but still

a good

nice

stand-up type bagel

just married

this croissant

from france

...

just hope it's for love

ya know?

and not

for some stupid

green card

Apologies to Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville

Look at this onion,

compressed by dehydration.

Look at this bagel,

awaiting mastication;

Ooh —

I don't know much,

but I know I'm hungry,

and that may be all I need to know.

onion bar baby

i met her at an onion bar

i could see in her eyes she was gone pretty far

she said "look at my tattoo!" but she pointed to a scar

we danced at the onion bar

she pulled me in the bathroom

smoke so thick you could scoop it with a spoon

the music was muffled but the drums they still boomed

we kissed in the bathroom

i said "how do i know you ain't gonna bust me?"

she said "didn't i tell you you could never trust me?"

i pulled out my toaster, but it was kinda rusty

she had a bagel, and it was kinda musty

but that didn't stop us

we sat around and ate some more

we sat around and ate some more

we sat around and ate and then

i tried to drop the bagel and grab onto her hips

but she said "you gotta hold it steady, so the cream cheese doesn't smear across my lips"

Sonnet II

stopping by Starbuck's showed I was busted

for when I ordered my caffé latte

seems my credit card couldn't be trusted

'twas on account of the economy

with only cash enough for a bagel

redfaced I hurriedly made for the door

stashed a pistol in my trousers' leg hole

ran to the bank, made them lay on the floor

"I've got a gun! it's here in my jacket!

now empty the vault! while I take a bite!"

dreams of the wealth I'd make from this racket

stopped short — for my bagel didn't taste right

cops declared I was easy to run in

(gun in my mouth, and coat smeared with onion)

a crossing

black bordered

yellow diamond

your silhouetted shapes

within

drive me to look

within

myself

am i

like this diamond?

am i bordered

by blackness?

am i

yellow?

am i filled

with shapes so simple:

one large ring

followed closely

by three smaller ones?

the questions cross

my mind

the answers cross

my lips

yes

yes

a dozen times —

oh, wait

those aren't onion bagels

they're ducks

request from an onion bagel eater

you can tell me that i'm crazy

that i haven't got a clue,

or argue that i'm stupid

i won't claim that's untrue,

feel free to call me ugly

since my eyebrows are askew,

just don't say that i have bad taste

or darling, we are through

a series of revelations

well

    well

        well

what have we here?

looks like the shoe

is on the other foot

and by "shoe"

    i mean "onion"

and by "foot"

        i mean "bagel"

and by "we"

            i mean "oui"

because i'm actually

french

the darkness

the darkness sets in

not again

             i pray

but i know it's too late

my face

furious

     hot heat beyond

control

     i spring up

          i sprint forth

pulse

pounding lungs

              screaming not

enough air not

            enough time i

slide stockings                      across linoleum

mouth agape

from panting

                   no

                       from horror

                             for now

i see it

black smoke spiraling ceilingward

onion bagel burning below

i curse the

           120-volt

                  funeral pyre

                              before me

both for not

popping

when it should have

     and

for not being

powerful enough

                        to take

     my

          wretched

                        life

as well

Haiku #3

Proposed fad diet:

Don't eat meat, fruit, cheese or nuts.

Just onion bagels.

Reflections on Daughterhood

"Be wary of men bearing bagels,"

My mother would often warn me,

"Although they may make you feel thankful,

Such gifts are quite often not free."

If only my youthful ears listened

Alas! I believed I knew better,

My morals were frequently loosened

By an Xs- and Bagels-signed letter.

I'd smile for a boy serving sesames,

I'd wink at a guy wielding wheats,

Before long, men were undressing me

By baiting me with blueberry treats.

But my heart only fell for one Romeo

Who made me forget all the rest,

His sweet onion bagel aroma

Awakened true love in my breast.

In nine months I found myself natal,

And our daughter drove him away,

"Be wary of men bearing bagels,"

I oftentimes tell her today.

the impatient poet –or– perhaps it's time to update the DSM-IV

i'm sorry, doctor, but it's happening again

what is this, eleven, twelve times in a row?

i swear i'm not trying to sway this exam

i'm simply reciting the objects you show

another, now another, i can't take much more

oh please won't you finally tell me we're through?

these sessions are making me crazier than before—

that ink blot looks just like an onion bagel too!

Sworn Testimony of the Accused Onion Bagel

I cannot tell a lie

I have no alibi

For the night the murder took place

And although it seems damning

I have been seen slamming

Beer bottles in the deceased's face

You see, when I'm drinking

I sometimes stop thinking

That vice I do surely possess

But as for this crime

You're wasting your time

If you think that this bagel will confess

Instead my suggestion

Is for you to question

What made your detectives so sloppy

It takes not a sleuth

To uncover the truth

Since your crime scene is plastered with poppy

Haiku #2

onion shavings fall

smooth golden surface revealed

manscaping bagel

I'll Try a Box of the Onion Ones

Krispy Kreme

sells

Doughnut Holes

Are you

listening,

Einstein Bros.?

Sonnet I

I stood one winter by the river's bank,

And gazed across at the thickening ice.

I had my Lord and my baker to thank,

For my meal was warm, so toasty and nice.

It smelled of onions, life's richest bouquet,

Its skin shimmered brown beneath the sun's glow.

Though heav'nly bodies I dare not betray,

I swear I beheld it melting the snow!

The blanket of white was thinned to a sheet,

And life anew arose hysterical,

Up sprouted shrubbery, grasses and wheat:

Eden reborn, a wond'rous miracle!

Soon that frozen river babbled once more,

And I swam safely to the other shore.

Limerick #2

There once was an onion topped bagel

Whose hole was too small to finagle

At first I said "Doh! Pwhaaa?!?"

But then I watched Oprah

And learned it was flexing its Kegel

Don't tell him I said this

Between you and me,

there's this guy

on the docks

who works eighteen hour shifts

He opens

beer bottles

just with his teeth

and catches black marlin barehanded

He benches

three eighty

runs marathons each week

and memorized Pi to ninety digits

He tries law

in Jersey

and wins every case

and always finds contact lenses when you drop them

He tutors

celebrities' kids

in ceramics

and decorates condos on the weekends

He's a universal donor

a volunteer firefighter

a Big Brother, a junior senator and a physician

He can solve

all your problems

and answer your prayers —

but not until he gets his morning onion bagel in him,

because before that he's just a big old worthless sleepy crabby crankypants

dawn

they say the fishermen

always see it first

they certainly did this year

through the morning mist

how it shivers and smacks!

a warmness

   hairs arising

a brightness

   eyelids squinting

unkempt nails lose grip of coarse nets

gnarled toothpicks fall fast from slack lips

a vision

what a vision!

soaring up above the sea

now cresting

ascending

now filling the sky

the onion bagel sun fills the men with wonder

fills their nets with game

and fills the world with an unrelenting hope

that last year

never knew