The Parting

I sliced through my bagel, onions and all,

watching two halves flank my knife and then fall;

And there in that instant, decided that I

should not stop myself with a severance so small.

My hand sent the blade crashing down through the plate,

its shattering tune did my eardrums elate;

I turned to the counter, told it goodbye,

and threw myself headlong at my now sealed fate.

Sawing through cupboards and saucepans and grills,

never before had life borne such thrills;

Down through the floorboards my dagger did fly

digging deeper and darker than oilmen's drills.

Through the earth's layers my bayonet burst,

'til into the caverns of Hell I'd immersed;

Hungering now in the fires I just sigh,

why didn't I think to eat breakfast first?

Old Deli Proverb

Old age can bring you an expanding waist,

But with it come wisdom, and refined taste;

Ingredients, though, fare less well with time,

Learning only of mold, spoilage and slime;

So if you seek bagels that please your tongue,

Keep your baker old, but his onions young.

A classically comedic misunderstanding from which hilarity ensues

The room key isn't working,

so down the hall I'm lurking,

I tell the front desk lady but all that she is is smirking

So now I get hostile,

and tell her to go dial,

Her manager should hear of this but all she does is smile

About that time I see,

between teeth two and three,

A freshly chewed up remnant of onion bagel debris

It all was misconstrued,

she wasn't being rude,

It's just that a bread ring has got her in a real good mood

So I forgive that gaffe,

embrace the hotel staff,

And in the lobby we'll share both a bagel and a laugh

slow train to reno

yessir, this train is headed west, it is
but don’t think it’ll make it there today
i hear new fangled engines, they just whiz
but this one’s like the ones from yesterday

there’s men who poke the fires with a mace
and carry heavy loads across their back
they bake and boil at a steady pace
and shovel ‘til their fingernails turn black

and when our speed picks up it sure don’t last
‘cuz there’s too many stops along the line
compared to this you’d think that it was fast
to go watch onions ripen on the vine

now don’t go conversatin’ that i'm lyin’
‘cuz some book told you onions grow in dirt
i seen ‘em fall from trees ready fer fryin’
as sure as i am wearin’ this here shirt

you kids today think nothin’s left to learn
from folks like me who’ve fully aged and grown
you just don’t seem to even give a durn
‘bout letting us talk circles all alone

to speak of circles you should oughtta’ know
around this turn you’ll wanna’ peel yer eye
this train we’re on it goes so very slow
you’ll see the onion bagels tumblin’ by

eat me

chop me into pieces

scald me with your flames

chew me 'til i'll never form

that ringéd shape again

break me down with acid

digest me in your gut

then turn my carbs to cellulite

on your lumpy onion butt

Maybe Australia

Complimentary bagel
Compliments of whom, exactly?
The maid?
The shuttle driver?
The front desk clerk?
Something tells me
You didn’t come from The Chef

You are utterly plain
Seedless
Onionless
Tasteless
Heartless

You are squeamishly soft
And spineless
Your crust makes a plasticy
Squeak
Against my teeth

You are a soul crusher
A crusher of souls
How must it feel to crush a man’s soul
so early in the morning?

They call you Continental
But what continent on Earth

Would claim you?

In the Pickup Line at the Deli

Your eyes are like onions,

translucent and glazed;

Your brows are like yeast,

perpetually raised;

Your nostrils are rings

each surrounding a hole;

Inside which I eye a path

straight to your soul;

Your lips are so crusty

and crumby and cracked,

I just want to eat you;

How'm I supposed to react?

bagel, hand, coffee

grainy arc squeezed
by freshly painted fingernails
white glare
on shiny red
on khaki

dark flecks on this:
cinnamon?
or onion?

too far to tell

red
lowers arc
into black
liquid exchanged for crumbs

teeth bite
mind races
but what of those dark flecks?
the answer:
so important
yet unreachable

gleaming jewelry jangles
with every dunk

"Pardon me, but these are not onions on my bagel"

My body’s been defeated
My mind just feels deflated

It's like the waiter squatted on my meal and defecated

summertime reminders

onion bagels

lying by the pool

glistening with body butter

and baking in the sun

don't forget to flip over, bagels!

and go see a specialist

if an onion spot changes shape.

Preparation = Salvation

By baking and boiling you cover your bases

Like double or triple knotting your shoelaces

You make sure your onion doughs stay in their places

And knock the hunger right out of eaters' faces

a not unrealistic prediction based on the undeniable frailty of human life

bagel bones break easily

'neath crusts that crack and tear freely

if i could the near future see

i'd know that was the fate for me

my skin will peel in warm sunshine

and bleed like onions on the vine

'til wolves and wives and worms come dine

on these brittle bagel bones of mine

jealous?

my bagel's worth bragging

and boasting about

i smirk when i slice it

and toast it all out

your envy is obvious

don't say you're not

'cuz onions cause far fewer

teardrops n' snot

the comeback – or – what is whitesnake eating right now anyway?

i don't know what i'm eatin'

but i sure know what i ate

burpin' up the onion gas

from bread rings of yesterday

now i know how it feels

to taste again my long since finished meal

here it comes again

Acceptance

When half my bagel's been eaten right through

I usually say it just can't be true

When half my bagel is chewed up and gone

I scream and throw objects out on the lawn

When half my bagel's been shoved down my sac

I would do anything to get it back

When half my bagel succumbs to my bite

I weep onion tears the rest of the night

Yet deep down in my stomach's heart I know

When half of it's gone, there's still half to go

sense of uneasiness felt upon returning home after dark

front door pushes open

kitchen light lit

knife block turned slightly out of place

are those crumbs on the carpet?

cream cheese on the rail?

the faint waft of onion in the hall?

i want to throw back that bedspread

and reveal a harmless pillow,

but the pit in my stomach says i shouldn't

Bagel Horror Movie Prequels

Can breathe

Fresh air

Into a stale series,

Plus show how all that onion dough

Got cursed

In the first place.

Bagel Horror Movie Sequels

Show lots more

Slicing,

Crumbs,

And dried up

Onion bits

Than the originals.

Bagel Horror Movies

Tend to include

Serrated knives,

Chase scenes through onion fields,

And toasters rigged

Not to pop.

Duly Noted

When Snoop Dogg asks you

To break 'im off a piece

Of Onizzle Bagazzizzle,

He probably isn't talking

About your Onion Bagel.

please ignore the cannibalistic overtones

busy little bagel

buzzing like a bee

trying to fill these toasters

and spread all that cream chee

if you can't get them finished

for this morning's meal

i'm afraid your little

onion brain is gonna peel!

Keep Your Day Jobs

Yesterday the bagel baker
swapped shops with the pizza maker

One threw onioned dough up high
like it was a hand tossed pie,
The other used a knife to thrust
gaping holes in deep dish crust

The bagels came out of the fryers
looking like deflated tires,
While pizzas became topping bowls
as melting cheese fell into holes

Neither pleased the cerebellum
but no one had the heart to tell 'em

the truant

punk kid

slouching on the sidewalk

spitting

smoking

winging onion bagels

at the elderly

where's your mother

anyway?

See how the darkness overtakes the light

See how the darkness overtakes the light,

A blanket shadowing these balls of dough,

They rise, arise again to higher height.

Some men see plain as all that's pure and bright,

And when an onion drags this taste too low,

See how the darkness overtakes the light.

The skillful baker does not feel such fright,

And adding flavor helps his crowds to grow,

They rise, arise again to higher height.

He forms his seamless rings all through the night,

Too rapt to ever through his lone window

See how the darkness overtakes the light.

At dawn he sets his ovens to ignite,

His spirits climbing with the fire's glow,

They rise, arise again to higher height.

But tired hands turn dials far too tight,

Hot flames upon pale crusts do death bestow;

See how the darkness overtakes the light,

They rise, arise again to higher height.

The Bucket List

How many bagels must I try
before I can contented die?

If I select first an onion,
the answer I suppose is "one."

the grind

working weeks are long and drab

they seem to never end

you run in circles five days straight

then monday start again

try as you might to spice things up

they stay so very plain

you rise, you eat, you work, you sleep

then do it all again

though weekends mean to be more fun

the job's taken a toll

too tired to raise a toast all night

you crawl back to your hole

and buried with the bulbs dimmed low

mere sleep becomes your goal

'til monday's work awakens

in your heart a gaping hole

but he don't know what's cookin' – or – what's coolio gonna' eat for breakfast now?

there ain't no bagel like an oniony bagel

cuz' an oniony bagel's got style

so when you see a young baker

pourin' onions out his shaker

then ya' gotta' give that baker a smile

i said 5-6-7-8

get your bagel on my plate

gonna' gonna' eat mine, and then yours

gonna' gonna' eat mine, and then yours

For Barla (aka Marry)

My bagel once was bare,

unbearable to stand

I'd barely get it in my mouth

then spit it out — so bland!

But then while at the market,

this morsel I did meet

It made my meal taste marvelous

— a magic onion treat!

At once I wanted nothing more

than for us to part never —

So soon we'll whet our appetites

in wedded bliss forever!

I feel that I have a strong, personal bond with musical artists that I have never, nor will ever, meet

My favorite rapper got disrespected

So naturally I'm quite affected

It's like a bagel that I selected

Was onionless — I'm so dejected!

The Note

iF YoU evEr WAnT

TO seE yOUr PrecIoUS

onIOn bAgeL AgAIn

leAvE tHReE DoLLArs

iN uNmaRKed COinS

uNDer tHe gReEN beNCh

IN THe paRk

EncL: crUMbs

(tO ShOW i meAn bUSiNesS)