POEMS ABOUT ONION BAGELS HAS MOVED!

Here's an incredibly bad haiku to commemorate this historic occasion:

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to us

we get along so famously,
like we're on access hollywood;
our conversation is so rich,
it could get thieved by robin hood

we're flirty, fun and fabulous,
like all those gay dudes on queer eye;
our chemistry is full of bangs,
like mr. wizard screwed bill nye

if he could feel the way we do,
keanu reeves would just say whoa;
we match each other perfectly,
like onion flakes and bagel dough

i caught her crying again

though she cleared her throat,

and sleeved

her tissue

i knew

the moment i walked in

her face was blotched as an onion bagel

and her eyes

as empty as holes

Our Top Story

Could just eating breakfast murder your dog?

I gasp at the TV, jaw hung agog

Groceries are sending our kittens to heaven!

Will your pet be next? Find out at eleven!

Harrowed, I stroke at my furrowing brow,

Searching for ways to avoid this somehow;

What could be causing these untimely deaths?

My pulse speeds to pace my quickening breaths

Too harried to sit, too nervous to eat,

My bagel untouched I let plunge to my feet;

Hour after hour I pace rings on the rug,

Damn that reporter's interest-piquing mug!

I watch all the game shows, the sitcoms and then

An exposé on cream cheese industry men;

Finally that local news theme music comes:

The dee de-dee dees, the dum du-dum dums

Smiles and makeup and teeth ear to ear,

This is what I've waited so long to hear!

If you love your pet, there are steps you must take!

We'll say what they are, right after this break!

Blast it! How long these attention whores stall!

I fling the remote, and flinch as its fall

Is broken by Fluffy, asleep on the floor;

Oh please be okay! I beg and implore

Peering much closer, I see what I dread

On top of its shoulders, and below its head;

The bagel I'd dropped has turned hard as a puck,

An oniony noose, 'round its neck now stuck

The anchor's voice pierces my ears with a chill:

Get food off the ground, 'cause bagels can kill!

breakfast on the balcony

this brown paper bag

is warm to the touch

fingertips tickled

by hot steam and such

the heat gets so great

that i'm losing my clutch —

farewell, onion bagel

i loved you so much

Suspicion

The bagel tournament ran long today

so the finalists will finish tomorrow;

Onion remains the odds-on favorite

but the wagers tell a different story

If onion awakens stale as a stone

in tupperware riddled with pinholes,

The poppyseed posse placing those bets

will sure have some explaining to do

considering an absence

circles concentric

hole within a whole

a fullness

around an emptiness

replacing one with the other

inside me

from crust to bread

to crust to air,

layered like the bulbs

that flavor it

it is many things

yet it is defined by what it is not

more energizing than coffee, less filling than a bagel

please mind your handwriting

when faxing in an order

because lox onion

and lox on ion

are two entirely

different breakfasts

Haiku #8

Onion bagel pair

From above: infinity

Edible karma

The King of Pop

The King of Pop, from an early age,

Popped the greatest toasters ever popped on stage;

He toasted every bread-based food from A to Z,

(And made it look easier than 1-2-3);

The darkness dial master, he knew just how to heat it,

If you tried to outpop him, he'd tell you to go beat it;

His pops had height and distance, their artistry was killer,

Everyone would scream and shout, your toast is such a thriller!

He cooked both wheat and Wonder, 'til they took to flight,

It clearly didn't matter if his toasts were black or white;

Though no one thought his crumby reign would ever subside,

He got too many facelifts, raped some onion bagels and died.

Consider Your Resale Value Increased

If you want to smell pine trees, move to the forest,

A grove full of lemons is an olfactory bore-fest,

Flowery fragrances just aren't up to par,

And your beater should not have the scent of new car.

So if you seek fresh auto air you'll revere,

Just hang an onion bagel from your rearview mirror.

You Asked Me to Bagel-Sit

You asked me to bagel-sit,

so why is it that

you're shocked to come home

from the place you've been at,

To find that your saucy-tongued

onion-filled brat

has been flattened and splattened

like a pestering gnat?

You asked me to bagel-sit;

upon him I sat.

The Competitor

His belly is unbeatable

His titles, all repeatable

There's not a bagel in this world

that he would find uneatable

He needs not to bite off the crust

You'll never see him cough or fuss

He bypasses his teeth

and sends them straight to his esophagus

Dunks each ring in the water

Wins all bouts by a slaughter

And even with his onion breath

he makes out with your daughter

The victor in the square again

The answer to each prayer we send

Our bagel eating champion

makes us proud to be American

Baker's Day Off

He didn't set one foot in

the kitchen all day long

He never rolled a Ho Ho

or cream filled a Ding Dong

His body was as far from

his work as it could be

But privately his mind was

the furthest thing from free

The sandy beach reminded

him of an onioned dough

The sun's rays were an oven

turned high as it could go

And when those kids played frisbee

and gave it quite a fling

He only saw soar past him

a toasted bagel ring

Round – A Round Sung in Three Parts, Preferably Not by a Chorus of Schoolchildren

I love you, bagel

So round and plump,

Your curvy onionness

Makes my heart thump,

Sometimes I wish that we

Could hump,

My bagel

Round and plump

Damn You, Silverfish, Damn You!

This is super creepy

I wanna leave the room

I feel like Indiana Jones in the Temple of Doom

My knife is all apolished

The cream cheese is ajiggle

But I'm pretty sure I saw my bagel kinda wiggle

Now I'm looking closer

My nose scrunches and scrugs

What I thought were onions are a thousand tiny bugs!

The Parting

I sliced through my bagel, onions and all,

watching two halves flank my knife and then fall;

And there in that instant, decided that I

should not stop myself with a severance so small.

My hand sent the blade crashing down through the plate,

its shattering tune did my eardrums elate;

I turned to the counter, told it goodbye,

and threw myself headlong at my now sealed fate.

Sawing through cupboards and saucepans and grills,

never before had life borne such thrills;

Down through the floorboards my dagger did fly

digging deeper and darker than oilmen's drills.

Through the earth's layers my bayonet burst,

'til into the caverns of Hell I'd immersed;

Hungering now in the fires I just sigh,

why didn't I think to eat breakfast first?

Old Deli Proverb

Old age can bring you an expanding waist,

But with it come wisdom, and refined taste;

Ingredients, though, fare less well with time,

Learning only of mold, spoilage and slime;

So if you seek bagels that please your tongue,

Keep your baker old, but his onions young.

A classically comedic misunderstanding from which hilarity ensues

The room key isn't working,

so down the hall I'm lurking,

I tell the front desk lady but all that she is is smirking

So now I get hostile,

and tell her to go dial,

Her manager should hear of this but all she does is smile

About that time I see,

between teeth two and three,

A freshly chewed up remnant of onion bagel debris

It all was misconstrued,

she wasn't being rude,

It's just that a bread ring has got her in a real good mood

So I forgive that gaffe,

embrace the hotel staff,

And in the lobby we'll share both a bagel and a laugh

slow train to reno

yessir, this train is headed west, it is
but don’t think it’ll make it there today
i hear new fangled engines, they just whiz
but this one’s like the ones from yesterday

there’s men who poke the fires with a mace
and carry heavy loads across their back
they bake and boil at a steady pace
and shovel ‘til their fingernails turn black

and when our speed picks up it sure don’t last
‘cuz there’s too many stops along the line
compared to this you’d think that it was fast
to go watch onions ripen on the vine

now don’t go conversatin’ that i'm lyin’
‘cuz some book told you onions grow in dirt
i seen ‘em fall from trees ready fer fryin’
as sure as i am wearin’ this here shirt

you kids today think nothin’s left to learn
from folks like me who’ve fully aged and grown
you just don’t seem to even give a durn
‘bout letting us talk circles all alone

to speak of circles you should oughtta’ know
around this turn you’ll wanna’ peel yer eye
this train we’re on it goes so very slow
you’ll see the onion bagels tumblin’ by

eat me

chop me into pieces

scald me with your flames

chew me 'til i'll never form

that ringéd shape again

break me down with acid

digest me in your gut

then turn my carbs to cellulite

on your lumpy onion butt

Maybe Australia

Complimentary bagel
Compliments of whom, exactly?
The maid?
The shuttle driver?
The front desk clerk?
Something tells me
You didn’t come from The Chef

You are utterly plain
Seedless
Onionless
Tasteless
Heartless

You are squeamishly soft
And spineless
Your crust makes a plasticy
Squeak
Against my teeth

You are a soul crusher
A crusher of souls
How must it feel to crush a man’s soul
so early in the morning?

They call you Continental
But what continent on Earth

Would claim you?

In the Pickup Line at the Deli

Your eyes are like onions,

translucent and glazed;

Your brows are like yeast,

perpetually raised;

Your nostrils are rings

each surrounding a hole;

Inside which I eye a path

straight to your soul;

Your lips are so crusty

and crumby and cracked,

I just want to eat you;

How'm I supposed to react?

bagel, hand, coffee

grainy arc squeezed
by freshly painted fingernails
white glare
on shiny red
on khaki

dark flecks on this:
cinnamon?
or onion?

too far to tell

red
lowers arc
into black
liquid exchanged for crumbs

teeth bite
mind races
but what of those dark flecks?
the answer:
so important
yet unreachable

gleaming jewelry jangles
with every dunk

"Pardon me, but these are not onions on my bagel"

My body’s been defeated
My mind just feels deflated

It's like the waiter squatted on my meal and defecated

summertime reminders

onion bagels

lying by the pool

glistening with body butter

and baking in the sun

don't forget to flip over, bagels!

and go see a specialist

if an onion spot changes shape.

Preparation = Salvation

By baking and boiling you cover your bases

Like double or triple knotting your shoelaces

You make sure your onion doughs stay in their places

And knock the hunger right out of eaters' faces

a not unrealistic prediction based on the undeniable frailty of human life

bagel bones break easily

'neath crusts that crack and tear freely

if i could the near future see

i'd know that was the fate for me

my skin will peel in warm sunshine

and bleed like onions on the vine

'til wolves and wives and worms come dine

on these brittle bagel bones of mine

jealous?

my bagel's worth bragging

and boasting about

i smirk when i slice it

and toast it all out

your envy is obvious

don't say you're not

'cuz onions cause far fewer

teardrops n' snot

the comeback – or – what is whitesnake eating right now anyway?

i don't know what i'm eatin'

but i sure know what i ate

burpin' up the onion gas

from bread rings of yesterday

now i know how it feels

to taste again my long since finished meal

here it comes again

Acceptance

When half my bagel's been eaten right through

I usually say it just can't be true

When half my bagel is chewed up and gone

I scream and throw objects out on the lawn

When half my bagel's been shoved down my sac

I would do anything to get it back

When half my bagel succumbs to my bite

I weep onion tears the rest of the night

Yet deep down in my stomach's heart I know

When half of it's gone, there's still half to go

sense of uneasiness felt upon returning home after dark

front door pushes open

kitchen light lit

knife block turned slightly out of place

are those crumbs on the carpet?

cream cheese on the rail?

the faint waft of onion in the hall?

i want to throw back that bedspread

and reveal a harmless pillow,

but the pit in my stomach says i shouldn't

Bagel Horror Movie Prequels

Can breathe

Fresh air

Into a stale series,

Plus show how all that onion dough

Got cursed

In the first place.

Bagel Horror Movie Sequels

Show lots more

Slicing,

Crumbs,

And dried up

Onion bits

Than the originals.

Bagel Horror Movies

Tend to include

Serrated knives,

Chase scenes through onion fields,

And toasters rigged

Not to pop.

Duly Noted

When Snoop Dogg asks you

To break 'im off a piece

Of Onizzle Bagazzizzle,

He probably isn't talking

About your Onion Bagel.

please ignore the cannibalistic overtones

busy little bagel

buzzing like a bee

trying to fill these toasters

and spread all that cream chee

if you can't get them finished

for this morning's meal

i'm afraid your little

onion brain is gonna peel!

Keep Your Day Jobs

Yesterday the bagel baker
swapped shops with the pizza maker

One threw onioned dough up high
like it was a hand tossed pie,
The other used a knife to thrust
gaping holes in deep dish crust

The bagels came out of the fryers
looking like deflated tires,
While pizzas became topping bowls
as melting cheese fell into holes

Neither pleased the cerebellum
but no one had the heart to tell 'em

the truant

punk kid

slouching on the sidewalk

spitting

smoking

winging onion bagels

at the elderly

where's your mother

anyway?

See how the darkness overtakes the light

See how the darkness overtakes the light,

A blanket shadowing these balls of dough,

They rise, arise again to higher height.

Some men see plain as all that's pure and bright,

And when an onion drags this taste too low,

See how the darkness overtakes the light.

The skillful baker does not feel such fright,

And adding flavor helps his crowds to grow,

They rise, arise again to higher height.

He forms his seamless rings all through the night,

Too rapt to ever through his lone window

See how the darkness overtakes the light.

At dawn he sets his ovens to ignite,

His spirits climbing with the fire's glow,

They rise, arise again to higher height.

But tired hands turn dials far too tight,

Hot flames upon pale crusts do death bestow;

See how the darkness overtakes the light,

They rise, arise again to higher height.

The Bucket List

How many bagels must I try
before I can contented die?

If I select first an onion,
the answer I suppose is "one."

the grind

working weeks are long and drab

they seem to never end

you run in circles five days straight

then monday start again

try as you might to spice things up

they stay so very plain

you rise, you eat, you work, you sleep

then do it all again

though weekends mean to be more fun

the job's taken a toll

too tired to raise a toast all night

you crawl back to your hole

and buried with the bulbs dimmed low

mere sleep becomes your goal

'til monday's work awakens

in your heart a gaping hole

but he don't know what's cookin' – or – what's coolio gonna' eat for breakfast now?

there ain't no bagel like an oniony bagel

cuz' an oniony bagel's got style

so when you see a young baker

pourin' onions out his shaker

then ya' gotta' give that baker a smile

i said 5-6-7-8

get your bagel on my plate

gonna' gonna' eat mine, and then yours

gonna' gonna' eat mine, and then yours

For Barla (aka Marry)

My bagel once was bare,

unbearable to stand

I'd barely get it in my mouth

then spit it out — so bland!

But then while at the market,

this morsel I did meet

It made my meal taste marvelous

— a magic onion treat!

At once I wanted nothing more

than for us to part never —

So soon we'll whet our appetites

in wedded bliss forever!

I feel that I have a strong, personal bond with musical artists that I have never, nor will ever, meet

My favorite rapper got disrespected

So naturally I'm quite affected

It's like a bagel that I selected

Was onionless — I'm so dejected!

The Note

iF YoU evEr WAnT

TO seE yOUr PrecIoUS

onIOn bAgeL AgAIn

leAvE tHReE DoLLArs

iN uNmaRKed COinS

uNDer tHe gReEN beNCh

IN THe paRk

EncL: crUMbs

(tO ShOW i meAn bUSiNesS)

do not disturb

last night i dreamt i took a stroll

among the onion flowers

the fragrant bulbs surrounded me

i walked and walked for hours

and when i stooped to touch the ground

i found instead of soil

a mix of salt and yeast and flour

with just a touch of oil

the setting sun burned fast and bright

sizzling the earth

and i slept soft on bagel beds

until the dawn's rebirth

good morning

it is a circle

it is an O

it is the look of

O GOD O NO

O PLEASE O PLEASE

it is horror

it is terror

it is a scream

it is a silent scream

it is an onion flavored silent scream

it is unable to save you

Please Don't Call The ASPCA

I think your dog is drunk

Did somebody feed it beer?

It's lookin' all glassy-eyed

And lecherous

Like it'd wanna hump my leg

If it had more energy

That dog's stumbling in circles

And barking at the toilet

And forgetting to life its leg

When it pees

Pass me another onion bagel

'Cause this is pretty fun to watch

clarity

through the clear plastic bag,

he watched the sun setting

on the day, and the life that he knew

through the clear plastic bag,

he saw his own breath

condense like a fresh morning dew

through the clear plastic bag,

he gasped and he clawed

and thought that his lungs would just melt

through the clear plastic bag,

he knew oh so clearly

exactly how onion bagels felt

aargh

enough with the talking animals already

or plots about world war II

and i got the picture long ago

that teenage boys try real hard to get laid

robots are generally difficult to kill

but that doesn't mean i want to watch someone try

and i couldn't care less if some lovelorn baker chick

captures her emotions inside onion bagels

so hollywood, if you're listening

is it really so hard to understand

that i only want to see movies about pirates

(or at least people with hooks for hands)?

too little, too late

i'm drowning in the ocean
not a life raft in sight
this little toaster waffle
won't keep me upright

i'm fighting through the currents
in search of a buoy
that itty bitty muffin top
doesn't float things worth hooey

i'm flailing in the water
someone toss me a ring!
your tiny onion bagel
couldn't rescue anything

how this poison i'm about to inject you with will quickly and painfully kill you

within seconds,

it attacks

your respiration,

shriveling your lungs

like dried

onion flakes

soon your heart

will feel

squeezed in

a bagel hole,

a tortuous struggle

with every pump

finally your brain

will begin to melt,

mixing

and mushing

'til it turns to

cream cheese

...

excuse me one moment

i must

go fix breakfast

(why do i

even try this

before eating?)

tour

the quarantined soldier

sits in his hole

warm water in a dirty cup

salty drip dangling from his brow

tan and brown forces

rising all around him

he stares at the onion sliver moon

and waits

encounters

this is important:

the water must be warm

the yeast must be dry

the dough must rise for about an hour

this means something:

i call but no answer

i wait for the tone

i try again in thirty minutes

this is important:

the salt must be kosher

the onions must be toasted

the rings must rise again, half as long as before

this means something:

you say you're not home

your car's in your driveway

your silhouette's in your window, dancing

this is important:

the water must be sugared

the sheet must be greased

the oven must be preheated to 400 degrees

this means something:

the fire alarms blare

the ambulance arrives late

the police say it was all an accident

This is how it ends

Put that bagel in a body bag

Its dough is dead and done for

Its codgered old crust is uncuttable

Its onions are offensively odorous

So dig it a grave, bury it, and beat it

(As soon as you leave, I'm still gonna eat it)

STAT!

Doctor! Doctor! You gotta help me!

My levels are dropping dangerously!

Don't look in my ear or knock on my knee!

Just gimme an onion bagel I.V.!

your test results are in

the hospital facilities

are all state of the art,

with sections for diseases

of the lungs, skin, brain and heart

yet doctors aren't the only ones

who meet such strict criteria,

the bar's set just as high down

at the campus cafeteria

the freshest fruits and veggies

are brought in every day,

and pastas, meats and cheeses

form a dazzling buffet

but probably the choicest part

would be the bagel station,

with every flavor known to man

of ringéd dough temptation

plain, egg, garlic, sesame,

blueberry, everything

and countless others kneel before

the mighty onion king

if you don't want to taste all that

or at least give just one lick,

then turn around and see a nurse

'cause you are truly sick

family feast

heading down to the delicatessen

i learned a valuable mathematics lesson

eight siblings, two parents and one cousin

looks like we'll need an even dozen

but if i subtract my family tree,

there's twelve onion bagels all for me

Haiku #7

Top-to-bottom cut —

Good for onion treats to go,

Yet untoastable.

absolutely fab

standing proudly

atop the rocky crag

bronze skin shimmering

beneath the glowing sun

shirt unbuttoned

far too far for comfort

and long blonde locks

flowing freely in the wind

you are half man

half onion bagel

the love spawn of fabio

and a particularly attractive

wad of dough

you grace the covers

of calendars and cookbooks

everywhere

bringing women and foodies

to tears

and to their knees

Affirmation

Whenever you feel down and out
Like your yeast will never rise,
And day-old plains with warm cream cheese
Are all your money buys

Remember that the world spins round
Like a perfectly shaped ring,
And the onion bagel inside of you
Means you can do anything

Scent by Numbers

At mile marker 98
just past Route 42
I like to put the windows down
and let fresh air blow through

First I pass the rows of corn
tall and green like trees
Their smell, though nice, sticks in my teeth
so I give them a "3"

Next up is the berry patch
a sweet and fragrant heaven
But too much sugar rots my nose
still they get a "7"

Finally the onion fields
come up around the bend
Their pungent, piercing, bold bouquet
earns them a perfect "10"

I breathe in deep and scrunch my nose
just like Robert DeNiro
Until I pass the cattle ranch —
with its stinky, bagel "Zero"

nice try buddy but you ain't foolin nobody

getta loada dis guy

hay getta loada him

hethinks he's areal bright guy

but isay he's real dim

hetalks likehe's a tough guy

but iknow he's justbluffin

insteada onion bagels

he atean english muffin

About My Bagel

My bagel's so fresh, like a young baby foal

My bagel's so wild, onions out of control

My bagel's so smooth, it should be in a bowl

My bagel's so rich, it could charge you a toll

My bagel's so driven, it can reach any goal

My bagel's so sexy, it's got a crust mole

My bagel's so toasty, it's blacker than coal

My bagel's so hot, it should stop drop and roll

The Blunder

I bought a buttered bagel

from the baker in my building,

But when I bit that breaded band

it tasted bland and boring

Betting that the baker boiled

a bad batch of his batter,

I barked across the bar that

my bite should have been made better

I'd barely blurted this behest

when back came blistering blame:

This bunch was baked with onion bulbs,

but you bought one marked "Plain"

Sonnet V

As I've grown ever fatter through the years,

My weight has been unevenly dispersed;

It seems the region just below my ears

Is where the cellulite has gathered worst.

What started as an extra chin at first

Has uncontrollably begun to bloat;

It looks like a balloon's about to burst

Beneath the skin that wraps around my throat.

But this analogy I can't promote,

For there's another much more apropos,

Involving wheat and salt and yeast and oat,

With onion-looking stubble topping dough.

So let us just be honest for a sec,

And call it what it is: a Bagel Neck.

The Mother of All Bagel Poems – or – Who's in the Mood for Brunch?

O, Onion Bagel

I honor you this day

For you feed me

You nourish me

You give me life from yours

You carry me through my mornings

And deliver me to each new-born day

You are wholesome

Tender

Warm

And true

So thank you, Dear Bagel

I will always love you

A Simple Request

I'm fine if I'm allergic
To cats or dogs or hay
Or if pollen tends to make my nose all runny
If my tongue starts to swell
From fish that's in a shell
I'll just get used to talking kind of funny

I wouldn't mind if I could die
From just a trace of peanut
Or if I had to live in fear of bees
But please God keep from me
The dreaded allergy
Of fresh baked onion bagel halves and cream cheese

The Name of the Game is Bagel Pong – or – Can I Get a Re-rack?

Twelve onion bagels

Two balls

And all the cream cheese you can swallow

A Glorious Reunion

Our faces press together like two halves of the same bagel
rejoined at long last
Nose to cheek to chin to brow
Every bump finding a place to nestle every contour
meeting its mirrored mate
Mouth to mouth to lips
forming that all-important hole
So soft so seamless so perfectly aligned that if Jesus Christ Himself
had been born the Son of a baker instead of a carpenter He still
could not have shaped it better
It is the sweet smell of dough it is the tart taste of onion

It is the red glow of burning coils
and fireworks

I believe our two halves must have been covered in cream cheese ‘cause
I couldn’t pry myself away from you if I tried

Big Ol' Bagel

i want a big ol' bagel

at breakfast time

snag a big ol' bagel

from the five and dime

grab a big ol' bagel

onions and cream cheese

toast that big ol' bagel

if you don't mind please

bag my big ol' bagel

takin' it to go

'cause this big ol' bagel

is the best i know

Time

I always would long for more time

and for more cream cheese as well

until one day when I got both

and my life went straight to hell

I thought long days would be fruitful

but they're just lonely instead

and I can't taste any onion

under all this extra spread

of passion

far behind the yellow tape

(where prying lenses can't see)

a toppled dresser

a shattered mirror

latex gloves abound

pointing and

putting things in tiny plastic bags:

onion slivers

napkin fibers

someone says a knife is missing

but judging from

the pool of crumbs

the cream cheese splatter on the wall —

it certainly wasn't missing

earlier

voyage

rowing my trusty onion skin
across the bagel sea
serrated oars slice silently
through creamy swells
chop
chop
chop
though arms grow weary
i forge ahead
my love lies waiting
on yonder shore
and no crumby surf

no red hot coil of sun

no dark and bottomless whirl

amidst this vast unforgiving pool

shall keep me away

from her

wedding day

bagel took this onion
onion took this bagel
and everyone their peace forever held

we danced the macarena
and havad the nagila
and counted ourselves blessed that they'd been jelled

Testament

In the beginning

There was toast

And we looked

And we saw that it was okay

Grain begat flour

Seed begat onion

These begat dough

Which then formed a ring

We baked it

We broke it

We ate it

In remembrance of then

And in thanks of how far we'd come

third-degree turn

i dropped my bagel
like it was hot
because it was hot
and my fingers were burning terribly

digits in mouth
pain soon became joy:
the scalded skin

tasted quite a bit like onion

Dude with a neck Band-Aid

hey Dude

what's shakin

and why is there a Band-Aid

on your neck?

odd place for a Band-Aid

if you ask me

seein as i've

never needed one there before

did Somebody

with a bread knife

mistake your neck for a bagel

or somethin?

i'm just glad that bagels

don't have

Jugular Veins

blood and onion don't mix

single serving cream cheese container

you know you got it goin' on
everything i want
and need in one
conveniently pocketable package

i long to touch you
to feel your cool against my warm
fingertips taking hold
lifting lustfully on your waiting lid

and now it is time to spread
my blade begins
you are smooth
and you are generous but only at first

for midway through my onion bagel's
second half you empty
leaving me — and the promise you made —
forever unfulfilled

time to celebrate

hit the rock
now boom! let’s blow it up
then pump your fist in circles
and bark just like a pup

raise the roof
a chest bump in midair!
let’s wave our limbs around
as if we just don’t care

kick your heels
spirit fingers full of pride
now line up all our friends
for the electric slide!

silent cheer!
gimme five! no gimme ten!
we’re having onion bagels
for our breakfast again!

row 32

tiny stewardess
slinking down the aisle
active little hands
serving snack after snack after snack

you smile, share a laugh
shuffle through your shelves
so long at each row!
so many more to go
if you’re out
of onion bagels
when you reach my seat
i'm bringing down this goddamned airplane
so help me jesus

stone sober logic

i woke in bagel puke again
familiar onion sludge
but i had zero drinks last night
so don't be quick to judge

i think i must be suffering
from some foodborne disease
'cause whiskeys tend not to expire
but sometimes does cream cheese

(they're the ones with goatees)

almost every onion bagel

that i've eaten

has been Good

but one or two of them

have been Evil

time, cruel and heartless, what is it that you have done with my child?

my bagel used to be clean cut

he'd do as he was told

but since he started growing up

he's gotten rather bold

he hangs out with these seedy types

and does distasteful things

like smoking back behind the school

and blowing onion rings

the girls he sees all have pierced holes

and smell distinctly stale

they look like they belong in some

two-week-old baked goods sale

he skipped his prom and passed out at

an all-night toaster rave

and came home sporting sideburns —

that's just no way to behave!

Schmear or no Schmear

That bagel's got a soul patch!

It's got so much soul!

That bagel's got an earring

Stuck right through its hole!

That bagel's got a game show

That prizes are won on!

That bagel's got a briefcase!

It's chock full of onion!

just the lip

mustachioed bagel

you are a rare old onion indeed

always ready

to attend a bachelor party

or investigate crimes in hawai'i

or be eaten by someone

not afraid

of a little hair in his food

growth

my onion bagel grew a beard

and ever since when i have smeared

cream cheese upon it i have feared

my butter knife would leave it sheared

(i bet its hairs would taste real weird)

a valuable non-lesson

i heard that if
you cannot learn
from your past experience

you'll have no choice
and will be doomed
forever to repeat it

so though i'm quite
intelligent
about the onion bagel

i'm careful not
to ever be
taught a thing while eating one

i am a genius (a lazy, lazy genius)

a 45-degree angle

is all that separates

your average toaster

from an onion bagel

air mail machine

Either Way, I'm Pro-Onion

When does a bagel start to be?

is one of life's great mysteries

Is dough the only needed thing?

or does it have to be a ring?

Will boiling it a bagel make?

or must it have begun to bake?

Though we may never solve this question

we know that they end with digestion

Don't Do This (II)

I counted my onion bagels before they boiled

1 bagel, 2 bagel, 3 bagel, 4 (!)

One fell on the ground and got totally soiled

1 bagel, 2 bagel, 3 (and no more)

My tongue-wagging dog soaked another in slobber

1 bagel, 2 bagel (oh how depressin')

Then the last two got snatched by a breakfast food robber

0 bagels left (but I learned a good lesson!)

Don't Do This (I)

I put all my bagels in one basket

Then scrambled them up just like eggs

Straight to the top, only onions did pop

So I gave them all some more shakes

And once I was sure they were shuffled

(On this fact I knew I could swear)

I looked at the bin — all onions again!

The shock knocked me right to the floor

But during my drop it so happened

I bumped the basket off the range

And as they did fall, onions one and all

They knocked something right in my brain

For though all my efforts at mixing

Intended to diversify them

I guess I forgot, all I ever bought

Were bagels with onions inside them!

the struggle

quite often when i've ate my din

the folks i know won't say hello

though i nod and wave they act like they've

never seen my face and away they race

leaving me alone to cry and moan

what could it be that makes them flee?

yet deep down i know with each burp i blow

that my bagel breath sickens them to death

yes my love of onion has me shunned and

all this scorn leaves me somewhat torn

should i change my flavor to gain their favor —

or enjoy my food in solitude?

Temper Tantrum

I WANT A BAGEL!

BAGEL! BAGEL! BAGEL!

GIMMEABAGEL!

GIMMMEEAABAAGELLL!

NOWWWW!

OWWWW!

WOWW!

AOW!

AH!

WAH!

NAAA!

BAAAY—

oh thank you, you shouldn't have, onion? my favorite!

Bagel-Shaped Scar

it's right there

on her arm

says she won't

discuss it

but when she

smells onions

or hears a

toaster pop

the twitch in

her eyelid

tells me some-

day she might

A Bitter Split

Although once inseparable,
things mightily changed
when the bottom smelled
suspiciously of onions

Top left the bread box
moved back with its folks

The crumbs are the ones
really suffering

Didn't They Make a Movie About This?

When the stuntmouse jumped

his moped over

two dozen freshly baked bagels,

We had to admit

that if nothing else,

he had a big pair of onions.

10

not the silly car i drove

or the goofy hair i had

not the food we didn't eat

or the movie that was bad

not the single-gendered dorm

with girls passing in the hall

not the rectress around the corner

watching one and all

not even the smell of onion bagels

from the garbage bin

could keep our lips from touching

once our romance did begin

Fat Man on a Bench

that shirt

probably fit him

once

but not today

the cool breeze

slapping through the treetops

says hello

to his bare, bulbous belly

(but there is no answer)

he is busy

eating

a polish sausage

these sounds

with every bite:

labored breaths through

narrow nasal passages,

wax paper crinkling

beneath pudgy fingertips,

wings fluttering

as attentive pigeons

jockey for position

(should some small morsel fall)

and then one does

the slippery slice

of onion

slides off his sausage,

and

drops

straight

onto

his

stomach

this, he notices

and as quickly as it fell,

he scoops it up

slurps it down

and catches me staring at him

his revenge is swift:

two hands encircle

his shiny, oil-stained navel,

one quick shake

in my direction

and he returns

to his meal

he's shown me

his belly bagel

and deep down,

i know i deserve it

The Bagel of Love

My love for you's a circle

a never-ending ring

As soon as I complete it

I start circling again

Before long I get dizzy

and back and forth I sway

But still I keep on loving you

until I can't see straight

At some point I get spin-sick

start hacking up a lung

I black out then come to face down

in half-digested onion

Yet I know it's all worth it

for you're my favorite thing

I'll shower off then get right back

to loving you again

"Cream Cheese" Clarence, The Onion Bagel Pimp

Where's my money, Bagel?

Gotta' sell dat honey, Bagel

Better get my money, Bagel

Yo this ain't funny, Bagel

Go'n 'n make my money, Bagel

Or else my disposition is apt to become somewhat less than sunny, Bagel

Where's my money, Bagel?

great american works

framed paintings

up on the wall

hundreds like them

just down the hall

many sculptures

out on display

bronze, ivory,

marble and clay

bold photos

large and well-lit

thoughtful viewers

ponder and sit

but out in the lobby

on the food cart

a fresh onion bagel

— now that is art!

high rise

steaming stack

of onion bagels

towering toward

the sky

your scope

is stirring

your highness

is humbling

your aroma

arouses all

i think

you are quite

an erection

blogmaster #1!!!

my bagel blog is going strog

it gets mo hits than that sk8boarding dog

read my posts n yo mind will boggle

if u dont bleave me look it up on goggle

i brake da newz just like perez

and my bannrs earn lrge chedder chese

my bagel vids get wachted a ton n

like "mentos & plain" and "2 girls 1 onion"

ok im lyin nobuddy reads it

sideways sad face ctrl-alt-delede it

w/all this typos itll nvr get big

can i has sum sorta spell-check on this thig?

Beans

My baby is the beans to my burrito

the Cool Ranch seasoning to my Dorito

Her love's the hot sauce on my chicken wing

she always gets my gravy thickening

She's the Pez I want in my Dispenser

she knows how to put garlic in my mincer

My girl's the icing on my English tea cake

and the Whiz Wit' inside my Philly Cheesesteak

She's the sugar in my coffee and the honey in my tea

the Fruit that's in my Roll-Up and the Sun in my Capri

She's wasabi on my sushi and the corn around my cob

the super tasty Everlasting stopper to my Gob

As if this weren't already a fulfilling love buffet I'll

just throw in that my baby is the onion to my bagel

Intelligent Design

Though there are many bagels, with tons of tastes to savor,

I couldn't shake the feeling there must be a chosen flavor,

The doubters spoke up often, and said No You can't Never,

But still to find this favored taste became my life's endeavor,

My science was unfailing, my methods on the level,

They proved beyond suspicion that most bagels were the devil,

I counted and recounted, some seventy times seven,

And now it's plain to see that onion bagels come from heaven.

Sonnet IV

I peered inside an onion bagel hole

To see what was in there for me to spy

But wound up staring straight into my soul

And learned that my whole life had been a lie

For though I showed the world I was a roll

Complete and filled with substance far and nigh

Beneath the surface I lacked all control

And if you had a keen discerning eye

You'd see that I could never reach my goal

And sadly that no matter how I try

A hollowness as fierce and black as coal

Would surely burn inside me 'til I die

Although this left me shattered and destroyed 

I shrugged and kept on falling through the void

Observing the Slow-Motion Fall of a Bagel Into a Pool of Milk

rotating, arcing

against a void, a blankness

a wall

its shiny skin

reflecting light

from a bulb

bending it, turning it

now it is soft

now it is still soft

and now

it is harsher

that bulb must be

a thousand watts

of hot

white

white

and now it is gone

and the light brown circle

now oval

now circle again

is about

to reach

the surface

it is a circle

it is an oval

and we hold

our breath

in anticipation

splash!

curving walls

of white

snake up

snake down

the ring

tosses

tilts

and tosses

some more

but now

it rests

it floats

and a thousand tiny ripples

run out from it

run away from it

they run

until they are gone

forever

like so many

onion-soaked

dreams

we once had

Drinkin' Song

I woke up this morning with me head achin' split,

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

From drinkin' two too many whiskeys last nit',

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

The light from the window was awfully brigh',

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

And it hurt worse me head when I squint shut me eye,

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

So I went to the bathroom where me aspirin are kempt,

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

When I turned o'er the bottle it was completely empt',

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

So I stumbled out the room and to the stairwell,

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

But me hand missed the railing and downward I fell,

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

End over end I tumbled toward the floor,

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

Then me poor poundin' head smashed through the kitchen door,

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

Onto the linoleum I did flop,

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

When I heard the toaster above me go pop,

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

And across the sky flew some things that weren't toast,

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

But two pipin' hot halves of the food I love most,

     Oh bagel-ee, oh bagel-ah, oh bagel-i-o

End over end they dropped right in me mou',

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

And wouldn't you know me head feels better now!

     Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o

Limerick #5

There once was a lassie from Galway

who rolled onion bagels down the hallway

Although she was purty

she got my rolls dirty

Which turned my poor stomach in no small way

The Spice

Into each bagel some onions must fall

But that doesn't mean you should fear them at all

Although they seem bitter they're really quite small

Besides — life without them would be plainly dull

storm

i drove my auto through the night

one blustery winter's eve

the gusts gave press with all their might

i scarcely could believe

just when my arms were near to break

from tugging on the wheel

i spied a falling white snowflake

(at least i did so feel)

but as it neared the roadway shale

that dot grew much in size

and turned into a stone of hail

before my very eyes

i tried to swerve and miss its path

but it could not be done

it struck my hood with such a wrath

the shot rang like a gun

i stopped the car and out i went

needing to look twice

at the big, bashed bagel-shaped dent

and onion-sized ball of ice

hotel, motel, onion bagel inn

stopped

by

several

B&Bs

...

sadly

"B" never

stood for

"bagel"

...

such

b.s.

Limerick #4

I wedded a wee farmer's daughter

and felt so fortuned that I caught 'er

when she stuck out her finger

I mistook her ringer

for an onion-baked bagel I bought 'er

Follow-up to Haiku #1 (Haiku #6)

Spiced English Mustard

Tasty and thought-provoking:

Did I judge too quick?

The God's Honest Truth

'Twas yesterday I kissed the stone

high upon the tower

And though I could not have been gone

e'en more than an hour

Its wond'rous spirit did come down

filling me with power

To charm the skin off an onion

and sell a bag'l flour

warnin

me bagel is watched by me trusty guard donkey
he's woolly and watchful and if ye hear im honkey
ye best turn afoot and git outta dis place
or eel frighten the onions right offa ye face!

City Bagel vs. Country Bagel

In the city, crusts get hardened
you can't grow onions without a garden

But in the country, you'll find rest
the fires are toasty and the cream cheese fresh

A Less-Than-Famous Love Letter From Kilmainham Gaol

Molly, oh Molly, I've been a damned fool
an utterly mad imbecile
I've left you unmarried, unloved and alone
while on onion bagels I'd fill

But now that I've said it, it seems not insane
in fact I feel it's well thought through
For bagels awaken a new love each day —
unchained and unfettered by you

lazy

lazy little bagel
afloat along the river
barely bobbing
so slowly spinning
content to be carried,
noticed by no one
but for the fishes
who wonder in its wake,
"what tastes like onion
over here?"

Green Onion Bagel (VII)

Although
Often
Eaten by
O'Somethinged
Americans
Once
Every
Annum,

You never
Actually see them
Offered
In Ireland.

Jet-Lagged Bagels

Stiff crusts
Bleary onioned
Puffy bags beneath their holes

Trying to serve themselves for dinner

Bagel on the Train Track

There's a bagel on the train track
ever'body get back
It's a-comin' up fast
how we gonna' get past?
If it's mighty hard n' stale
it'll knock us off the rail
But if it's flavored onion
to hit it is the real sin

Belly Bomber –or– What are Fred Schneider, Cindy Wilson and Kate Pierson Gonna' Eat for Breakfast Now?

I ate me a bagel
was as big as a house
and it's heading on down
my digestive tract

I had me a bagel
coulda' fed about twenty
but I ate it all
and now my burps taste oniony

Flight

Bagel flying through the air,

what is it that put you there?

Do magic onions make you soar,

or are you just a metaphor?

spring cleaning

if

you find

a bagel

while

you are

vacuuming

the couch cushions

please

do not

shed a tear

but

if it

is onion,

shed several.

a love poem of sorts

i need to know

how is it so

that rings of dough

make my blood flow

for i can't see

how it could be

that it's just me

whose heart's so free

to heed that call

in lust i fall

and then we ball

onions and all

Ma Bagel

Ma Bagel used to run this town
and everybody in it
She held the House Reps in Her palm
and puppeteered the Senate

Unchecked Her business crushed the hopes

of each entrepreneur

If you craved onions, wheats or plains

you had to go through Her

Her reach was omnipresent

with prices nearing rape

She ruled all with a Doughy Fist

that no one could escape

When finally a lawsuit took

Her hands from the controls

The hungry people growled no more

"Ma has me by the holes!"

a tissue tirade –or– putting your nose where it doesn't belong

i take some real issues with soft facial tissues

being utilized as breakfast plates

they've many a feature that could make you reach your

wit's end in desperate straits

when hot from the toaster your food needs a coaster

to safeguard your palm's tender skin

but in this arena a tissue's no Xena

its armor's insufficiently thin

also on this topic it would be myopic

to think a mere Kleenex could guard

from getting quite ripped each time that it's gripped

too tight against an onion shard

and you've got a brain disease if you like your cream cheese

covered with fine tissue lint

and unless you like tallow eating crust smeared with aloe

is something you'll wish that you didn't

so throw that Scott's from your hand and yell Puffs you be damned

if you don't want your mouth to feel crapped in

for optimum flavor do your taste buds a favor

and please put your bagel on a napkin

one sunday

undaunted by the coming rain,
the townfolk threw a party —
whipped dairy toppings for the kids
and smoked fish for the hearty
men who raised the church
and gave their tithes to heaven —
all hearts puffed full like onion bagels,
fermented with leaven

Room Service

I drank too many alcohols
To keep my thoughts in order
So when he brought my breakfast
I lambasted the porter

And said he was a commie
That his wife looked just like Stalin
And then I threw some bottles
Which made him put a call in

To the mens in charge
Who were quite large
And they gave me sneers
While I pounded beers
But I didn't care
And I let them stare
I kicked up my feet
But when I went to eat

The tray was filled with bagels
Yet when I sorted through that junk
Not a one of thems was onion
And I knew I'd ordered drunk

leadership is important

i know you're married
but so am i

and when your bagels pop you know
we'll both know that it's time

so don't you worry
'cause i won't press

and when you say let's wait
you know i'll sit my onion on its shelf

and soon our spouses join in
'cause the union means we're all in

and any effing forcefeeders
are totally like stalin

wichita, ks

i remember when this was just meadows
not a condo or strip mall in sight
just a colorful flash of birds' feathers
and the flit of a young child's kite

but change fluttered in with the winter wind
and onion seeds came along too
before i had reached my childhood's end
fragrant bulbs frequently grew

these days the smell from the flour mill
brings the answer to every boy's prayer
when crossing the field with your kite in tow
the bagels, sweet bagels are everywhere

Working in the Toast Mine

My onion bagel

worked overtime this morning

It gets

cream cheese and a half for it

But it always

makes it totally burned out

you're lucky you're so oniony

bad bagel!

bad bad bad!

you are a very bad

bad bad bagel!

bad bagel!

bad!

...

oh

who am i kidding?

i can't stay

mad

at you

The Bagelor

First he picked the Sesame

but when he sent the Other away,

The rivers pouring from his eyes

his true feelings did betray

The memories of departed love

were not ones he could shake,

So when he had a second chance

he said this was a mistake

He broke the fresh-baked Bagel heart

of the first one that he chose,

Then wisely offered his Onion love

the last and final rose

don't you on the other hand me

there are two sides

to every story

just like

there are two halves

to every onion bagel

unless you don't

cut it in half

which is

a weird thing

to do

to a perfectly good story

anyways

Ain't

Dirty Sanchez

ain't so dirty

Cleveland Steamer

ain't so steamy

Until you do the

Onion Bagel

Your sex life

ain't so seamy

It's Party Time

It's okay if the sour cream has turned

or if the sautéed garlic got completely burned

Don't worry that the avocado's black

or that the roasted peppers liquified right in their sack

Who really cares if the cheese is mostly mold

or the center of the chicken breast is still a little cold

'Cause even the vilest, most revolting dip

tastes pretty damn good on an onion bagel chip

The Beginning

Ring that bagel 'round the moon!

Sprinkle the stars with onions!

Cut the comets with butter knives, and

Smother the cosmos in cream cheese!

Plug your toasters into the sun

And dial them up to Darkest!

We've got a world of work to do

So we really mustn't skip breakfast!

The Judgment

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust

When it's all settled then you must

Look back and ask Did I do well?

(Read: Will I go to heaven, or will I go to hell?)

Did I make the most of gifts I was given?

Did I show thanks for the life I was livin'?

Did I love my friends and my family too?

Did I even love people I hardly knew?

Did I make the most of every minute?

(Read: Were all my bagels ones with onion in it?)

In defense of food

Don't call my bagel fat

you foul-mouthed freak

It's soft 'cause it's not stale

It's fluffy 'cause yeast rises

It's round 'cause it's a ring

(Besides, it's just big-onioned)

Limerick #3

when i taste a rich bagel crust

whose onion topping is robust

the joy's so severe

that i truly do fear

my tongue might spontaneously combust

after a nap

stretch!

stretch!

you sleepy

bagel

kick your napkin

off

to the floor

touch the

dried onion

riverbed

running from

your ever-

yawning hole

greet your

reflection

in stainless steel

and wipe

that crust

from

your eyes

An Obviously Unjust Verdict

I warning you Judge, I'm gonna' appeal

'Cause these twelve aren't a jury of my peers

None of them are as good-looking as me

Their schooling pales next to my Ph.D.

Heads of state never ask for their advice

Party planners don't sculpt their busts in ice

Their 401Ks aren't fully vested

And they weren't just recently arrested

There's no way you can think this jury's like me still

'Specially since onion bagels don't drive them to kill

Dumb Love

You're my baby bagel baby

my bitty baby boo

My only one and onion baby

my flippy flappy floo

I love my cutie crusty crazy

cupie soupy stew

My huggy holey humpy habee

braggly smaggle poo

A Dramatic Observation of the Relationship Between Onion Bagel and Toaster–or–Beyond Bageldome

Two halves enter,

Two darker, crunchier halves leave.

speech on a sidewalk

hold on to your bag, lady

or you gonna lose it

cuz i think you's

in harm's way

this city moves fast and

those cars move faster

and your cart

with that bum wheel

ain't helping any

i see your mouth moving

it's talking to no one

and no body

is listening good

your temper goes quick
but your loved ones go quicker
til one day
you's all you
got left

hold on to your bagel, lady

cuz i think you hungry

and that's all the food

that you got

those onions smell stanky

but your breath smell stankier

and i won't always be

givin you

this advice

In search of a meal, in search of a meal

When our voyage beg-
un, young were we
filling our feed
bag all day, but now
on yon-der shores
we age, while
bay gulls peck hungrily
at our bones.

Haiku #5

a little known fact

all our greatest presidents

ate onion bagels

The Connoisseur

He holidays in bagel country

hits all the hottest spots

greets bakers on a first name basis

tastings are complimentary

He holds poppies to the light

muses about maturity

swirls sesames with expert deft

deciphers intricate bouquets

He chews blueberries reflectively

spits them out like the others

but when they offer him onions

he swallows, then goes back for seconds

Religious Intolerance

The day Monsignor switched

the Eucharist

out for mini onion Bagel Bites®

Was the day

they sent him 

to another parish

And a dark day

for the Church

indeed

Alma Bagel

This bagel before me

Is onion through and through

I'll always adore thee

And to thy hole be true

Your onions gleam golden

You're toasty to the touch

I'll never behold one

I want to eat this much

I'll never behold one

I long to love so much

Rebirth of Bagel Boy

Don't call me Bagel Boy, cried Bagel Boy to me

A request no self-respecting, self-conscious tween could heed

So we filled up his gym locker with sesame seeds

And we covered his textbooks with Neufchatel Cheese

Then we prank called his house and said Is your fridge running?

Since at that point we'd run out of bagel-themed ideas

Unlike us, however, this kid was quite cunning

'Cause he came one schoolday dressed just like an onion

And we didn't know what, but knew he was up to something

So we left him alone, too scared to make fun of him

question for the fda

voodoo bagels

high upon the shelf

infinite power

in your endless loops

when sliced

others are cut

when toasted

another is burned

when eaten

someone else's breath smells like onion

how can you be legal

anyway?

Let's Talk About Heroes

Let's talk about Heroes

and all the exciting events from last night's episode

Let's really get into it

raising our voices

and gesturing with our arms for emphasis

Let's review all the powers

that each of them has

and think about which ones we'd like

although we'll be enthusiastic about it

our decisions will be grounded in logic

Let's mention the Asian guy

and the cheerleader

and the one who's going to be in that movie

and the one that can fly

(one of them can fly, right?)

Let's talk about how

I've never really seen the show

so I've got a lot of catching up to do

Let's have green tea

and onion bagels

for hours on end

while you tell me all the things that I've missed

the disappearing light of day

i sat with a bagel

yesterday

and let it teach me

all it knew

every curve

held a lesson

each bit of onion

contained a truth

the top showed me things

the bottom could not

yet the bottom

shared a wiser view

today

i discovered

these teachings were lost

perhaps they were

only a dream

in sadness

and silence

and solitude

i ate it

but honestly, it ate me too

The Golden One

My father always told me "Onion bagels grow on trees"

And so I spent my school-age years amassing expertise

So I could scour the continents and sail the seven seas

Searching for the only plant that would my soul appease

As time elapsed the hope I had was pushed aside by doubt

For I'd found nothing even though I'd traveled all about

And so I grabbed my father and irately I did shout

He said "I meant to say they don't – did I leave that word out?"

O

is for onion

the bagel i like most

 N is for not ever equating it

to toast – that would be insanity,

which is what the I is for, and if you try to

say it's not, i'll just come   bust down your door

and i'll wear a mask,             and i'll carry an axe 

and a can of gas and              a bunch of matches

and you'll be all like,          oh god, no! which in

case you didn't get it       is what the second O

is for, but i won't even hear your pleas,

cause i'll be busy creaming cheese

once you get a taste of these,

you'll Never make that

error again

Digging a Tunnel

I'm digging a tunnel

From my heart to yours

To carve out this pathway

I'm fighting on all fours

Reminds me of digging

That I did once before

Through an onion bagel

Inside the grocery store

I tore out one section

Just to get it started

Then dug with my finger

Until the insides parted

Before long I had a

Hollow bagel in my cart

Too bad it's much tougher

For me to win your heart

Confession

I'm a churchgoing bagel, Heaven is my goal

I'm a God-fearing bagel, only He can save my soul

I'm a tolerating bagel, I won't judge a jelly roll

I'm a virtue-laden bagel, which is something to extol

Yet I'm a weak-willed bagel when the Devil takes control

and I can't stop inserting objects in my onion hole

first, the bad news:

the dealer's corpse was rotting at a quite alarming rate

i couldn't get the bags of blow to all fit in their crate

on accident i handcuffed my own ankle to the grate

and my partner in a panic crashed our car right out the gate

the fire from the hill was now engulfing the estate

and the sirens in the distance signaled our impending date

i didn't have much choice but to accept my destined fate

so i grabbed an onion bagel, said a prayer of thanks and ate

Bagelicious

Humpty Hump sang about biscuits

Junkyard Dog grabbed all them cakes

Juvenile was crass

(he just said dat ass)

and Wreckx-n-Effect liked rump shakes

Sisqo was partial to dump trucks

Sir Mix-a-Lot needed back

but what you display girl

is an onion bagel

those other guys' rhymes are all wack

Sonnet III

When I was schooling in halls so hallow,

my pale young body was softer than now,

Name-calling bullies taunted Moo! and Cow!

comments I took to be somewhat shallow

I'd lie awake by the flick'ring tallow,

years of frustration furrowing my brow,

wanting to break free—yet not knowing how—

from flesh that felt like spongy marshmallow

These days such mem'ries seem irrelevant,

my current physique is sculpted from oak

But though I am strong as an elephant,

a soft onion bagel still can evoke

pain that propels me down on hell's descent—

to my old body, the butt of a joke

a bitter bagel to swallow

i wished sincerely

but i fell beneath the stars

i fought for freedom

but i wound up behind bars

i loved completely

but i never was loved back

i planted flowers

but the petals all turned black

i welcomed warmly

but they kicked me to the cold

i cheered the youth on

but they told me i was old

i steered steadfastly

but it only made me carsick

i ordered onion

but i ended up with garlic

Green Onion Bagel (VI)

What

on Earth

did they put

in this bagel?

Scallions?

Green Onion Bagel (V)

Dude

I hope my eyes

are deceiving me

But

I think that bagel's

about to blow

Chunks

Green Onion Bagel (IV)

It snatched its

Sierra Club handbag

Hopped in its

hybrid two-door

And drove

the delicatessen's

recyclables

to the center

Green Onion Bagel (III)

I remember

that day that

I finally

heard the words

Grandson,

I believe

you are old enough

to help

Beaming

at the boiling

water below,

I imagined bragging

and boasting

the other boys

would be

so impressed

But when I

grabbed that

golden ring,

offered it for inspection

I only heard

No! Oh no!

That one isn't

ready yet

And I knew

neither was I

Green Onion Bagel (II)

Buried at the bottom

of the bin

it waits

watching

bagel after bagel

(after bagel)

chosen above,

clutched to chests,

cherished, chewed

loved

like it longs to be

and it wonders

What makes those guys

so goddamned special?

Green Onion Bagel (I)

It must've fallen

from the counter,

and rolled back

here only God

knows when

Breath bated,

I reach behind

the fridge

and bag it

Enlightening the World, One Bite at a Time

This bagel sitting before me,

is better than I'll ever be;

For I'm a statue, so lazy,

just watching refuse on TV;

Yet it smells sweet and oniony,

and offers up this guarantee:

"Bring to me all your hungry,

your twisted tummies too achy;

I lift my lamp for these to see

a tasty way to set thee free!"

The Onion, The Bagel, The Cream Cheese, and The Child Complaining of Hunger Pains

Maybe if you grease me,

I might grill better

Were you to toast me,

I might taste better

Perhaps if you stir me,

I might spread better

If only you would feed me,

I might finally be able to stop suffering from malnutrition

On Being Pungent

I've seen them staring

sideways and shifty

eyelids aflutter, thinking

I'd better be subtle

but it's too late

for the flare of their nostrils

betrays them

What is that smell?

they wonder and

their wandering eyes

inevitably fall

to me

I've seen d-i-s-g-u-s-t

written upon their faces

but I

can read

between the lines

I know

those looks

are not for me

but for their friends

for the others for

the public for

a-p-p-e-a-r-a-n-c-e-s

For when they draw

closed their

kitchen drapes

these puritanical politicians

these religiously righteous

refusers s-t-o-p

turning up their noses —

they come in close

breathe in deep

and taste

I've seen them do it

I've seen them all

An Easy Choice

encircling the Rock

making Paper crumby

Scissors gumming over

Onion Bagel bests all

Haiku #4

I've been noticing

top halves are onionier.

You take the bottom.

Praise Song for the Bagel, A Poem for Watching Barack Obama's Presidential Inauguration on TV

Each morning we go and do our business,

we flush and we jump in the shower

or not, drying and then dressing.

All inside us is hunger. All inside us is

pang and rumble, yearn and ache, we

long for something touching our tongues.

Someone is scrambling an egg, boiling

water for coffee, Popping a Tart,

heating the things that taste better hot.

A woman in a hairnet waits on tables.

A line cook examines the melting butter.

A hostess says Please. Let me seat you now.

Say it plain: that many have slaved over this meal.

Sing the names of those who brought it here,

who plowed the fields, planted the crops,

picked the onions and the wheat, kneaded

batch by batch the glorious dough

they would then roll into perfect little rings.

Praise song for the bakers, praise song for the meal.

Praise song for every boiled little bite,

the chewing-it-up at kitchen tables.

Some live by you are what you eat,

others by an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

But what if the mightiest food is bagels?

Praise song for getting something in our stomachs.

Old Habits

I was blackout drunk,

and I surely stunk

of sweat and dirt and vomit

when I went to that joint

up at Downer's Point,

hadn't been there since Halley's Comet.

But they knew me there

and they poured my share,

made it stiff as rigor mortis,

kept filling my cup

'til the sun came up,

and I rolled out like a tortoise.

Next thing I knew

I was coming to

in my ex- ex- ex-girlfriend's apartment,

the sun shone unbearable

my head pounded terrible

like a fire at the fire department.

Still I gasped out her name

when I witnessed her frame,

stale and lifeless on the floor by the sink,

my onions were mussed

with fresh blood on my crust

and I thought What's my AA group gonna' think?

concerning a union

this bagel

i know

good bagel

hardworking bagel

little on the onion-y side

but still

a good

nice

stand-up type bagel

just married

this croissant

from france

...

just hope it's for love

ya know?

and not

for some stupid

green card

Apologies to Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville

Look at this onion,

compressed by dehydration.

Look at this bagel,

awaiting mastication;

Ooh —

I don't know much,

but I know I'm hungry,

and that may be all I need to know.

onion bar baby

i met her at an onion bar

i could see in her eyes she was gone pretty far

she said "look at my tattoo!" but she pointed to a scar

we danced at the onion bar

she pulled me in the bathroom

smoke so thick you could scoop it with a spoon

the music was muffled but the drums they still boomed

we kissed in the bathroom

i said "how do i know you ain't gonna bust me?"

she said "didn't i tell you you could never trust me?"

i pulled out my toaster, but it was kinda rusty

she had a bagel, and it was kinda musty

but that didn't stop us

we sat around and ate some more

we sat around and ate some more

we sat around and ate and then

i tried to drop the bagel and grab onto her hips

but she said "you gotta hold it steady, so the cream cheese doesn't smear across my lips"

Sonnet II

stopping by Starbuck's showed I was busted

for when I ordered my caffé latte

seems my credit card couldn't be trusted

'twas on account of the economy

with only cash enough for a bagel

redfaced I hurriedly made for the door

stashed a pistol in my trousers' leg hole

ran to the bank, made them lay on the floor

"I've got a gun! it's here in my jacket!

now empty the vault! while I take a bite!"

dreams of the wealth I'd make from this racket

stopped short — for my bagel didn't taste right

cops declared I was easy to run in

(gun in my mouth, and coat smeared with onion)

a crossing

black bordered

yellow diamond

your silhouetted shapes

within

drive me to look

within

myself

am i

like this diamond?

am i bordered

by blackness?

am i

yellow?

am i filled

with shapes so simple:

one large ring

followed closely

by three smaller ones?

the questions cross

my mind

the answers cross

my lips

yes

yes

a dozen times —

oh, wait

those aren't onion bagels

they're ducks

request from an onion bagel eater

you can tell me that i'm crazy

that i haven't got a clue,

or argue that i'm stupid

i won't claim that's untrue,

feel free to call me ugly

since my eyebrows are askew,

just don't say that i have bad taste

or darling, we are through

a series of revelations

well

    well

        well

what have we here?

looks like the shoe

is on the other foot

and by "shoe"

    i mean "onion"

and by "foot"

        i mean "bagel"

and by "we"

            i mean "oui"

because i'm actually

french

the darkness

the darkness sets in

not again

             i pray

but i know it's too late

my face

furious

     hot heat beyond

control

     i spring up

          i sprint forth

pulse

pounding lungs

              screaming not

enough air not

            enough time i

slide stockings                      across linoleum

mouth agape

from panting

                   no

                       from horror

                             for now

i see it

black smoke spiraling ceilingward

onion bagel burning below

i curse the

           120-volt

                  funeral pyre

                              before me

both for not

popping

when it should have

     and

for not being

powerful enough

                        to take

     my

          wretched

                        life

as well

Haiku #3

Proposed fad diet:

Don't eat meat, fruit, cheese or nuts.

Just onion bagels.

Reflections on Daughterhood

"Be wary of men bearing bagels,"

My mother would often warn me,

"Although they may make you feel thankful,

Such gifts are quite often not free."

If only my youthful ears listened

Alas! I believed I knew better,

My morals were frequently loosened

By an Xs- and Bagels-signed letter.

I'd smile for a boy serving sesames,

I'd wink at a guy wielding wheats,

Before long, men were undressing me

By baiting me with blueberry treats.

But my heart only fell for one Romeo

Who made me forget all the rest,

His sweet onion bagel aroma

Awakened true love in my breast.

In nine months I found myself natal,

And our daughter drove him away,

"Be wary of men bearing bagels,"

I oftentimes tell her today.

the impatient poet –or– perhaps it's time to update the DSM-IV

i'm sorry, doctor, but it's happening again

what is this, eleven, twelve times in a row?

i swear i'm not trying to sway this exam

i'm simply reciting the objects you show

another, now another, i can't take much more

oh please won't you finally tell me we're through?

these sessions are making me crazier than before—

that ink blot looks just like an onion bagel too!

Sworn Testimony of the Accused Onion Bagel

I cannot tell a lie

I have no alibi

For the night the murder took place

And although it seems damning

I have been seen slamming

Beer bottles in the deceased's face

You see, when I'm drinking

I sometimes stop thinking

That vice I do surely possess

But as for this crime

You're wasting your time

If you think that this bagel will confess

Instead my suggestion

Is for you to question

What made your detectives so sloppy

It takes not a sleuth

To uncover the truth

Since your crime scene is plastered with poppy

Haiku #2

onion shavings fall

smooth golden surface revealed

manscaping bagel

I'll Try a Box of the Onion Ones

Krispy Kreme

sells

Doughnut Holes

Are you

listening,

Einstein Bros.?

Sonnet I

I stood one winter by the river's bank,

And gazed across at the thickening ice.

I had my Lord and my baker to thank,

For my meal was warm, so toasty and nice.

It smelled of onions, life's richest bouquet,

Its skin shimmered brown beneath the sun's glow.

Though heav'nly bodies I dare not betray,

I swear I beheld it melting the snow!

The blanket of white was thinned to a sheet,

And life anew arose hysterical,

Up sprouted shrubbery, grasses and wheat:

Eden reborn, a wond'rous miracle!

Soon that frozen river babbled once more,

And I swam safely to the other shore.

Limerick #2

There once was an onion topped bagel

Whose hole was too small to finagle

At first I said "Doh! Pwhaaa?!?"

But then I watched Oprah

And learned it was flexing its Kegel

Don't tell him I said this

Between you and me,

there's this guy

on the docks

who works eighteen hour shifts

He opens

beer bottles

just with his teeth

and catches black marlin barehanded

He benches

three eighty

runs marathons each week

and memorized Pi to ninety digits

He tries law

in Jersey

and wins every case

and always finds contact lenses when you drop them

He tutors

celebrities' kids

in ceramics

and decorates condos on the weekends

He's a universal donor

a volunteer firefighter

a Big Brother, a junior senator and a physician

He can solve

all your problems

and answer your prayers —

but not until he gets his morning onion bagel in him,

because before that he's just a big old worthless sleepy crabby crankypants

dawn

they say the fishermen

always see it first

they certainly did this year

through the morning mist

how it shivers and smacks!

a warmness

   hairs arising

a brightness

   eyelids squinting

unkempt nails lose grip of coarse nets

gnarled toothpicks fall fast from slack lips

a vision

what a vision!

soaring up above the sea

now cresting

ascending

now filling the sky

the onion bagel sun fills the men with wonder

fills their nets with game

and fills the world with an unrelenting hope

that last year

never knew