POEMS ABOUT ONION BAGELS HAS MOVED!

Here's an incredibly bad haiku to commemorate this historic occasion:

Please redirect links:
poemsaboutonionbagels
.com is now up!

to us

we get along so famously,
like we're on access hollywood;
our conversation is so rich,
it could get thieved by robin hood

we're flirty, fun and fabulous,
like all those gay dudes on queer eye;
our chemistry is full of bangs,
like mr. wizard screwed bill nye

if he could feel the way we do,
keanu reeves would just say whoa;
we match each other perfectly,
like onion flakes and bagel dough

i caught her crying again

though she cleared her throat,

and sleeved

her tissue

i knew

the moment i walked in

her face was blotched as an onion bagel

and her eyes

as empty as holes

Our Top Story

Could just eating breakfast murder your dog?

I gasp at the TV, jaw hung agog

Groceries are sending our kittens to heaven!

Will your pet be next? Find out at eleven!

Harrowed, I stroke at my furrowing brow,

Searching for ways to avoid this somehow;

What could be causing these untimely deaths?

My pulse speeds to pace my quickening breaths

Too harried to sit, too nervous to eat,

My bagel untouched I let plunge to my feet;

Hour after hour I pace rings on the rug,

Damn that reporter's interest-piquing mug!

I watch all the game shows, the sitcoms and then

An exposé on cream cheese industry men;

Finally that local news theme music comes:

The dee de-dee dees, the dum du-dum dums

Smiles and makeup and teeth ear to ear,

This is what I've waited so long to hear!

If you love your pet, there are steps you must take!

We'll say what they are, right after this break!

Blast it! How long these attention whores stall!

I fling the remote, and flinch as its fall

Is broken by Fluffy, asleep on the floor;

Oh please be okay! I beg and implore

Peering much closer, I see what I dread

On top of its shoulders, and below its head;

The bagel I'd dropped has turned hard as a puck,

An oniony noose, 'round its neck now stuck

The anchor's voice pierces my ears with a chill:

Get food off the ground, 'cause bagels can kill!

breakfast on the balcony

this brown paper bag

is warm to the touch

fingertips tickled

by hot steam and such

the heat gets so great

that i'm losing my clutch —

farewell, onion bagel

i loved you so much

Suspicion

The bagel tournament ran long today

so the finalists will finish tomorrow;

Onion remains the odds-on favorite

but the wagers tell a different story

If onion awakens stale as a stone

in tupperware riddled with pinholes,

The poppyseed posse placing those bets

will sure have some explaining to do

considering an absence

circles concentric

hole within a whole

a fullness

around an emptiness

replacing one with the other

inside me

from crust to bread

to crust to air,

layered like the bulbs

that flavor it

it is many things

yet it is defined by what it is not

more energizing than coffee, less filling than a bagel

please mind your handwriting

when faxing in an order

because lox onion

and lox on ion

are two entirely

different breakfasts

Haiku #8

Onion bagel pair

From above: infinity

Edible karma

The King of Pop

The King of Pop, from an early age,

Popped the greatest toasters ever popped on stage;

He toasted every bread-based food from A to Z,

(And made it look easier than 1-2-3);

The darkness dial master, he knew just how to heat it,

If you tried to outpop him, he'd tell you to go beat it;

His pops had height and distance, their artistry was killer,

Everyone would scream and shout, your toast is such a thriller!

He cooked both wheat and Wonder, 'til they took to flight,

It clearly didn't matter if his toasts were black or white;

Though no one thought his crumby reign would ever subside,

He got too many facelifts, raped some onion bagels and died.

Consider Your Resale Value Increased

If you want to smell pine trees, move to the forest,

A grove full of lemons is an olfactory bore-fest,

Flowery fragrances just aren't up to par,

And your beater should not have the scent of new car.

So if you seek fresh auto air you'll revere,

Just hang an onion bagel from your rearview mirror.

You Asked Me to Bagel-Sit

You asked me to bagel-sit,

so why is it that

you're shocked to come home

from the place you've been at,

To find that your saucy-tongued

onion-filled brat

has been flattened and splattened

like a pestering gnat?

You asked me to bagel-sit;

upon him I sat.

The Competitor

His belly is unbeatable

His titles, all repeatable

There's not a bagel in this world

that he would find uneatable

He needs not to bite off the crust

You'll never see him cough or fuss

He bypasses his teeth

and sends them straight to his esophagus

Dunks each ring in the water

Wins all bouts by a slaughter

And even with his onion breath

he makes out with your daughter

The victor in the square again

The answer to each prayer we send

Our bagel eating champion

makes us proud to be American

Baker's Day Off

He didn't set one foot in

the kitchen all day long

He never rolled a Ho Ho

or cream filled a Ding Dong

His body was as far from

his work as it could be

But privately his mind was

the furthest thing from free

The sandy beach reminded

him of an onioned dough

The sun's rays were an oven

turned high as it could go

And when those kids played frisbee

and gave it quite a fling

He only saw soar past him

a toasted bagel ring

Round – A Round Sung in Three Parts, Preferably Not by a Chorus of Schoolchildren

I love you, bagel

So round and plump,

Your curvy onionness

Makes my heart thump,

Sometimes I wish that we

Could hump,

My bagel

Round and plump

Damn You, Silverfish, Damn You!

This is super creepy

I wanna leave the room

I feel like Indiana Jones in the Temple of Doom

My knife is all apolished

The cream cheese is ajiggle

But I'm pretty sure I saw my bagel kinda wiggle

Now I'm looking closer

My nose scrunches and scrugs

What I thought were onions are a thousand tiny bugs!

The Parting

I sliced through my bagel, onions and all,

watching two halves flank my knife and then fall;

And there in that instant, decided that I

should not stop myself with a severance so small.

My hand sent the blade crashing down through the plate,

its shattering tune did my eardrums elate;

I turned to the counter, told it goodbye,

and threw myself headlong at my now sealed fate.

Sawing through cupboards and saucepans and grills,

never before had life borne such thrills;

Down through the floorboards my dagger did fly

digging deeper and darker than oilmen's drills.

Through the earth's layers my bayonet burst,

'til into the caverns of Hell I'd immersed;

Hungering now in the fires I just sigh,

why didn't I think to eat breakfast first?

Old Deli Proverb

Old age can bring you an expanding waist,

But with it come wisdom, and refined taste;

Ingredients, though, fare less well with time,

Learning only of mold, spoilage and slime;

So if you seek bagels that please your tongue,

Keep your baker old, but his onions young.

A classically comedic misunderstanding from which hilarity ensues

The room key isn't working,

so down the hall I'm lurking,

I tell the front desk lady but all that she is is smirking

So now I get hostile,

and tell her to go dial,

Her manager should hear of this but all she does is smile

About that time I see,

between teeth two and three,

A freshly chewed up remnant of onion bagel debris

It all was misconstrued,

she wasn't being rude,

It's just that a bread ring has got her in a real good mood

So I forgive that gaffe,

embrace the hotel staff,

And in the lobby we'll share both a bagel and a laugh

slow train to reno

yessir, this train is headed west, it is
but don’t think it’ll make it there today
i hear new fangled engines, they just whiz
but this one’s like the ones from yesterday

there’s men who poke the fires with a mace
and carry heavy loads across their back
they bake and boil at a steady pace
and shovel ‘til their fingernails turn black

and when our speed picks up it sure don’t last
‘cuz there’s too many stops along the line
compared to this you’d think that it was fast
to go watch onions ripen on the vine

now don’t go conversatin’ that i'm lyin’
‘cuz some book told you onions grow in dirt
i seen ‘em fall from trees ready fer fryin’
as sure as i am wearin’ this here shirt

you kids today think nothin’s left to learn
from folks like me who’ve fully aged and grown
you just don’t seem to even give a durn
‘bout letting us talk circles all alone

to speak of circles you should oughtta’ know
around this turn you’ll wanna’ peel yer eye
this train we’re on it goes so very slow
you’ll see the onion bagels tumblin’ by