first, the bad news:

the dealer's corpse was rotting at a quite alarming rate

i couldn't get the bags of blow to all fit in their crate

on accident i handcuffed my own ankle to the grate

and my partner in a panic crashed our car right out the gate

the fire from the hill was now engulfing the estate

and the sirens in the distance signaled our impending date

i didn't have much choice but to accept my destined fate

so i grabbed an onion bagel, said a prayer of thanks and ate

Bagelicious

Humpty Hump sang about biscuits

Junkyard Dog grabbed all them cakes

Juvenile was crass

(he just said dat ass)

and Wreckx-n-Effect liked rump shakes

Sisqo was partial to dump trucks

Sir Mix-a-Lot needed back

but what you display girl

is an onion bagel

those other guys' rhymes are all wack

Sonnet III

When I was schooling in halls so hallow,

my pale young body was softer than now,

Name-calling bullies taunted Moo! and Cow!

comments I took to be somewhat shallow

I'd lie awake by the flick'ring tallow,

years of frustration furrowing my brow,

wanting to break free—yet not knowing how—

from flesh that felt like spongy marshmallow

These days such mem'ries seem irrelevant,

my current physique is sculpted from oak

But though I am strong as an elephant,

a soft onion bagel still can evoke

pain that propels me down on hell's descent—

to my old body, the butt of a joke

a bitter bagel to swallow

i wished sincerely

but i fell beneath the stars

i fought for freedom

but i wound up behind bars

i loved completely

but i never was loved back

i planted flowers

but the petals all turned black

i welcomed warmly

but they kicked me to the cold

i cheered the youth on

but they told me i was old

i steered steadfastly

but it only made me carsick

i ordered onion

but i ended up with garlic

Green Onion Bagel (VI)

What

on Earth

did they put

in this bagel?

Scallions?

Green Onion Bagel (V)

Dude

I hope my eyes

are deceiving me

But

I think that bagel's

about to blow

Chunks

Green Onion Bagel (IV)

It snatched its

Sierra Club handbag

Hopped in its

hybrid two-door

And drove

the delicatessen's

recyclables

to the center