Room Service

I drank too many alcohols
To keep my thoughts in order
So when he brought my breakfast
I lambasted the porter

And said he was a commie
That his wife looked just like Stalin
And then I threw some bottles
Which made him put a call in

To the mens in charge
Who were quite large
And they gave me sneers
While I pounded beers
But I didn't care
And I let them stare
I kicked up my feet
But when I went to eat

The tray was filled with bagels
Yet when I sorted through that junk
Not a one of thems was onion
And I knew I'd ordered drunk

leadership is important

i know you're married
but so am i

and when your bagels pop you know
we'll both know that it's time

so don't you worry
'cause i won't press

and when you say let's wait
you know i'll sit my onion on its shelf

and soon our spouses join in
'cause the union means we're all in

and any effing forcefeeders
are totally like stalin

wichita, ks

i remember when this was just meadows
not a condo or strip mall in sight
just a colorful flash of birds' feathers
and the flit of a young child's kite

but change fluttered in with the winter wind
and onion seeds came along too
before i had reached my childhood's end
fragrant bulbs frequently grew

these days the smell from the flour mill
brings the answer to every boy's prayer
when crossing the field with your kite in tow
the bagels, sweet bagels are everywhere

Working in the Toast Mine

My onion bagel

worked overtime this morning

It gets

cream cheese and a half for it

But it always

makes it totally burned out

you're lucky you're so oniony

bad bagel!

bad bad bad!

you are a very bad

bad bad bagel!

bad bagel!

bad!

...

oh

who am i kidding?

i can't stay

mad

at you

The Bagelor

First he picked the Sesame

but when he sent the Other away,

The rivers pouring from his eyes

his true feelings did betray

The memories of departed love

were not ones he could shake,

So when he had a second chance

he said this was a mistake

He broke the fresh-baked Bagel heart

of the first one that he chose,

Then wisely offered his Onion love

the last and final rose

don't you on the other hand me

there are two sides

to every story

just like

there are two halves

to every onion bagel

unless you don't

cut it in half

which is

a weird thing

to do

to a perfectly good story

anyways